Spring has sprung, Hawkeyes! The warm weather has led to an increase in beautiful budding flowers, sunshine, yeast infections, and–you guessed it–darties! While the cute word mashup for “day party” may seem intuitive to wild college students, be sure to read the following definitions of “darty” according to your mom to see the world through her post-menopausal perspective:
7.) A Typo of the Word “Dirty”:
Your sweet mama Doreen analyzes your latest Facebook post featuring the caption “It’s Darty Szn” and subsequently sends you a series of WebMd articles about the importance of personal hygiene. When her book club asks her if her daughter is enjoying her second year at Iowa, she says sadly: “McKenna has devoted an entire season of the school year to being dirty. We are ashamed and scared.”
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Penn State – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Bounty
NC State – $300 Bounty
6.) A Hardy Boy’s Dick:
When Robin, 56-year-old mother of four, hears her Iowa junior saying “I’m gonna go find a raging Darty!” she is momentarily stunned. However, being an open minded pescetarian, she runs to the family bookcase, pulls out “The House on the Cliff” and snaps some close up pictures of Shaun Cassidy’s crotch. “For my kiddo,” she says determinedly.
5.) A Damaged Artery:
After calling Mommy Marsha and telling her you cannot make it to Grandpappy’s 90th birthday party because you “have a sick darty,” she immediately notifies UI Student Health and sues Burge Dining Hall for serving red meat, hydrogenated fats, and F’real milkshakes.
4.) Daddy Art Garfunkel:
Like most mothers, Pam always leaned more Simon than Garfunkel. Regardless, she is thrilled to hear Art is finally going to be a daddy. “He should name the kids Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme!” Pam cackles into the phone while you butt chug warm Natty Light on a Lucas Street front lawn.
3.) A Dairy Party:
You are hosting a darty next Saturday and need supplies. After calling your mom, Beth Ann, and explaining the situation, she FedEx overnight ships three gallons of skim milk, a block of cheddar cheese, and a keg full of unpasteurized yogurt to your Slater dorm room, “in case things really start to get crazy!”
2.) Difficult and Farty:
“Monica was SUCH a darty baby! When she hit six months all she did was scream and fart, scream and fart—I thought I was cursed by Lucifer himself!” Monica’s mother Ruth shouts from her Kia Soul to the entire Phi Kappa Psi one Saturday afternoon. “Make sure you boys don’t let her take any shots—my little darty always left the pediatrician smelling like hot city garbage!”
1.) A Day Party:
From across the street you suddenly hear, “IT MEANS DAY PARTY YOU FUCKING LOSER!” It’s your mom and she is fully participating in a college darty. Clad in JC Penny chinos and a tasteful blouse, you watch in horror and pride as she simultaneously smokes a cigarette AND a joint. Basking in the 1 p.m. sunlight and surrounded by sweaty sports management majors, your mom has achieved nirvana. You chuckle, shake your head, and head to Interp of Lit. She flashes Hancher.
Mothers know best! While an actual day party may seem appealing, try spicing things up next weekend by really going after that wholesome Hardy Boy dick!
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: