We’ve all had to deal with a freshman year roommate. It’s a classic situation: everything started out great, but after a couple weeks, a demon formed. The roommate that you originally described to all your high school buddies as “the coolest ever” ended up taking multiple dumps in your shared trashcan. Here are the top ten nicknames you had for that terrible freshman year roommate:
8.) Vodka Sam:
You knew Sam, you loved Sam, you hated Sam. Vodka Sam was the roommate who was down and dirty with Hawkeye Vodka and always raged – whether it was in your bed, on the field at Kinnick or inside that open manhole on Clinton St. Sometimes you wanted a quiet night in Daum, but Vodka Sam was always set on downing eight shots and having a cute little spell of forgetfulness atop the bar at Summit. Thank you, Roommate Portal!
7.) Horny Virgin Lisa:
This roommate was just looking to get laid, so you learned to stick to the back of Union and talk to your homelier friends. While Lisa got down on the dance floor, you sipped your water and made sure you were sober enough to drag her ass home when she inevitably failed to hook a man. Her horny virgin optimism made you want to puke, but at least she agreed to coordinate with your chevron dorm decor.
6.) Absolutely Insane Amanda:
She was the roommate with the craziest stories: her boyfriend just dumped her over the phone and then sent her videos of him and his new girl making passionate love on top of Seashore Hall; her dog was just stolen and eaten by the local psychotic boy from down the block; she let her friend give her a Barney ass tattoo. Absolutely Insane Amanda once said she enjoyed eating human flesh, but at least she always bought new coffee filters!
5.) Cry Baby Chris:
He was the roommate that got made fun of for being too emotional. Big guys do cry, but this roommate legitimately collected his tears in a drinking glass. Mix in a little Hawkeye vodka, put it in a flask, and Chris was ready to sob after every touchdown at a Hawkeye game. Cry it out, baby. Cry it out.
4.) Jerk Off Jerry:
In addition to being a jerkoff, Jerry genuinely loved to jerk off. Too many times you caught Jerry hacking into the television screens in Becker just to have some variety in his porn options. The screens may be muted, but Jerry moaned loud enough to fill the silence.
3.) “I’m just gonna bitch” Betty:
She was the girl that wouldn’t shut up about all her problems while you sat there, nodding your head, trying to be the best roommate you could. She would say, “Why won’t men just love me, I’m lovable right?” or “Do you ever find things inside your belly button that you, like, don’t remember putting in there?” Betty loved to bitch, especially at 2 a.m. when you just wanted to finish your MasteringChemistry homework and go to bed.
2.) Dirty Burge Bethany:
This roommate was the one person in the world that actually enjoyed living and eating in Burge. She was obsessed with the omelet station and made you get up every Sunday morning with or without a hangover. Your dorm was filled to the brim with C-Store cereal and cookies and by spring semester, Dirty Burge Bethany was sleeping on a stolen luggage cart instead of her bunk bed every night.
1.) “Do I look fat in this?” Francine:
Francine would always drag you into a pod style bathroom and demand you tell her whether or not she looked fat in whichever pleated pant she was trying on that day. While this was understandable the first couple of weeks of school because, heck, we were all insecure freshmen at the time, Francine’s constant compliment fishing got really old around Thanksgiving break. “YES. YOU DO LOOK FAT IN THAT UGLY ASS MUUMUU.”
Your roommate may have made you wanna hurl, but in retrospect, living with these terrible humans only made you stronger. While your freshman year might have been more tolerable in a single dorm, at least you entered sophomore year with a treasure trove of crazy anecdotes and a few face scars from that one time Amanda took out her Swiss Army Knife. Oh, memories!
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