Move out sucks, but not for you. Cruising down Johnson, wind in your hair and beer in the air, only means one thing. It’s summer time and the cheap furniture is out for grabs. So, when you come upon that beautiful, yet ugly futon sitting at the end of a jungle of a lawn, you know it’s time to make a decision.
8.) How can I avoid turning this thing into the fuck futon?:
Since you’re picking this bad boy up off the streets, do you think your roommates will really care what they do on it? Eventually, your free couch will turn into the infamous fuck futon. Everyone will be down to get down on your new couch. So, start planning how to prevent your roommates from doing the nasty all up on your “new” futon.
7.) Does it smell like cat piss?:
Many college students aren’t very responsible with their pets, and you don’t want a futon that’s been pissed on by more than one animal. Take a nice whiff of it, deep in the cushions, before you decide to load it up into your truck. Sometimes, a thorough cleaning of a futon will do nothing against the power one sassy cat thinking this futon was a litter box.
6.) Is that a Pokey Stick grease stain on the cushions or something else…?:
It could be the cat piss or one of the many horrific one night stands after a bunch of cherry bombs at Studio the futon has probably lived through. The real question is can stain remover wipe away enough of its questionable background to sit on it?
5.) How many girls have reverse cowgirled on this thing?:
When in Iowa, do what the cowgirls do. Be sure to check the futon for sexy tally marks. Those stains you just checked have about a 95% chance of coming from or out of one of these girls.
4.) How much money can I pull from under the cushions?:
Besides that lacy black and gold thong with a Hawkeye on the ass you pulled out, make sure to check out your profits. All those leftover dollar bills from Mug Club or change that fell out of that horny FIJI guy’s jeans definitely adds up. If you make more money than you spent on the futon, it’s a definite steal.
3.) Can my dad drag this up the three flights of stairs in the Gilbert Street apartments?:
Hawkeye dads are resilient, but hefting a futon covered in ball sweat up the stairs is something to think about. Make sure to test weight and double check that the cat piss-like smell isn’t too unbearable. Also, those stairways are pretty narrow… sometimes, furniture that large isn’t gonna fit in a hole that small.
2.) Does it fit with your Hawkeye aesthetic apartment?:
That ugly floral print futon isn’t exactly what you want, so why not repurpose it? Maybe a tie blanket with Kirk Ferentz on it so you can sit on his face? Or the tarp off of the Walking Taco stand? Either way it should fit in just fine.
1.) If you put it back on Johnson Street, will someone else take a chance on it?:
If you’re going to put all this effort into it, will someone take your new baby off your hands? Eventually, you made the stench go away, you put some stains of your own on it, and now it’s time to push your bird out of the nest. Your baby futon has grown up to be the big, bad futon of some other gal’s dreams.
So you got the futon, you loved it, and now you’ve let it go. As the futon moves from Johnson, to Gilbert, to Iowa Ave, it may be gone from your house, but it’ll never vacate from your heart. Here’s to another crazy four years in your new home, you smelly, old almost-couch.
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