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9 Iowa City Obstacles You’ll Face on the Way to Your Bio Final in MacBride

Hawkeyes spend weeks preparing for finals; shooting black coffee in one end and out the other day after day, and studying until they’re nothing more than caffeinated zombies huddled over text books in dark crevices of the library. It’s what college is all about! However, all that hard work can go to waste if you let your focus break for a moment on your trek across town to your final exam. Here are some tricky obstacles around Iowa City to be extra aware of as you walk to MacBride Hall at 7 a.m.:

9.) The Bible Guy:
Best time to strike up an existential conversation about humankind’s cosmic significance? After you’ve been studying for hours and contemplating whether a college degree is really so critical after all. But don’t be fooled into striking up a convo with Mr. “Do You Have A Moment To Talk About Jesus Christ?”. That’s a door you don’t have time to open. Just awkwardly avoid eye contact as usual.

8.) The Blue Saxophone Guy:
You’ve always admired this guy. Don’t we all? But no matter how good he’s grooving, no matter how jazzy his jams are, you don’t have time to listen, or, God forbid, join in. He might creep that beat right up in to your soul, but you won’t be thanking that cool cat when your jam sesh lands you on academic probation. Get to your final, dog.

7.) A dog:
Oh man. Everyone’s dream. A DOG! A cute one! What are you gonna do, huh? You gonna stop? NOPE! Don’t you dare. Sure, it might start as a cute little mood booster on the way to your exam, but time flies when there are puppers around. Don’t let those snoot boops and good boy eyes distract from your oh-so-shitty- and oh-so-human responsibilities. Maybe in your next life you’ll be a Corgi.

6.) Townies outside of Deadwood:
You don’t usually smoke cigarettes, but right now you could really go for some Tennessee Honey on ice and an American Spirit between your lips. All of the adult day drinkers of Iowa City just make it look so easy, sitting around Deadwood laughing and spending money that they definitely don’t have. That looks like a good life, and if you stop, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be talked into dropping out.

5.) Pentacrest Herky:
You’ve ALWAYS wanted a good selfie with Herky, so if you spot his beautiful beaked face across the Pentacrest, you’ll have to fight every urge to sprint toward him, and away from your exam. Yeah, you’d probably get so many responses to that Snapchat story, and you’ve really been looking for a conversation starter with that girl who sometimes responds to your comedic genius with “lmao” but… NO. STOP IT. Grades over babes…or Herky. Grades over both.

4.) Your favorite mellow indie jam oozing from Java’s doors:
Oooooo yeah. It’s that one song that always makes you wanna throw a fuzzy jacket on, sit in the passenger seat with your imaginary bae, and watch snowy scenery pass by while you drive toward a cottage with a warm fire and cookies inside. And ditching your exam to chill in Java House would feel kind of like that. But its gotta wait. Afterward. You can do it afterward.

3.) The sales outside of Iowa Book:
Wow! It’s never occurred to you to buy an “Iowa Dad” t-shirt, but now that it’s only $5 and right in front of you, you simply must. Sadly, the one minute you spend browsing the rack will multiply once you dive in to the world of Big 10 merch. An hour into your exam, you could still be digging through the pile of “Iowa Second Cousin Twice Removed” shirts, looking for an XXL to give to Cousin Jared for Christmas.

2.) A random sleigh:
Why is there a horse and carriage downtown? Is this a sign? Are you being recruited for the North Pole, or, ya know, maybe to sit up there holding the reigns and talking to strangers? That sounds cool, like a retro Uber. You could fuck with that. Maybe you’re just one of those people not meant for college? Maybe if you talk to the driver, he’ll tell you that bio degree won’t get you anywhere in life? Maybe. Probably not, though. Go to your final.

1.) Summit:
Come on. You’re stronger than that. You haven’t even been to Summit since your freshman year, but why does it look so appealing now? Sure, there’s a dance floor, and a bar, and TVs, and people and that smell that just brings ya back to the good ol’ days… but the bullshit in there isn’t the kind that’s gonna get you a job. Save it for the short-essay questions. Move along.

Iowa City’s a town full of incredible opportunities to do anything other than school. The Black Sheep knows that it can be hard to find your way, and hopes this guide can help. Good luck out there, Hawkeyes.

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