The setting? Donnelly’s Pub. The time? 8 p.m. on a Thursday. Everyone at the venue? Sloshed and drawing collages of poorly proportioned penises on their Sip ’N Doodles. This may sound like a normal night at trivia for an Iowa student who frequents Andrew’s Bar Exam, but at the end of the night in question, the trivia host made an astonishing announcement.
“Congratulations once again to the team ‘Trivia Sluts’ on the win – those twenty-seven vodka cranberries ordered between the four of them really pushed them over the top,” said QuizMaster Ken, barely able to contain his excitement.
“I was really looking forward to the usual cash prize,” said Kayley Pickings, a representative for Trivia Sluts. “But instead he gave me this certificate that says ‘Congratulations, you’re a lawyer’ on it?” Pickings squinted at the paper. “And where it says who issued the license, it just says ‘Andrew’?”
Other members of Trivia Sluts expressed disappointment and felt as if they had been cheated out of the cash prize. “We all got one,” said Penny Townsend, rolling her eyes and waving the certificate in our face. “And like… QuizMaster Ken told us that we could like… legally counsel people and stuff… and then he made us take an oath? To uphold the constitution? I’m an elementary education major,” she complained.
After that first night at Donnelly’s, Andrew’s Bar Exam has continued the trend. In bars all across Iowa City, teams like “Your Mom,” “Drinky Drinky Thinky Thinky,” and “You Know What They Say About Big Brains” are taking home the title of attorney after beating out the competition.
Meanwhile, pre-law students all over the city are frantically cramming for the next trivia night. “If I had known that all it takes to pass the bar is knowledge of Oscar-winning movies from 2006, I wouldn’t have bothered with all of those impossible ethics courses,” said Casey Brennan, a fourth-year pre-law student. “Crash won best picture, by the way. Watch out, Andrew. I’m coming for my license!”
Students have been seen quizzing each other with flash cards before the night of trivia starts, and reports of cheating are on the rise. QuizMaster Ken has said that Andrew’s may have to implement test administrators that observe the students answering questions, and maybe even enforce complete silence during the Bar Exam. “None of that is final, though,” he added quickly. “Don’t twist my words. If you do, I can sue you. I have a friend who’s really good at trivia.”
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.