Last Wednesday, the U.S. celebrated Independence Day, the federal holiday commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. While the 4th of July is a fun, festive break from summer routine for many Americans, Stanford University alum Kitty Toteburg spent the day just like any other normal day of the year: guzzling thick, juicy weiners.
“For most people, the fourth is an excuse to get a little tipsy at a barbecue, watch a rogue relative attempt to set off some illegally purchased fireworks and guzzle a weiner,” Toteburg explained. “But for me, it’s just a regular Wednesday in July!”
Toteburg, who graduated from Stanford in 2010 summa cum laude, reportedly guzzles weiners on a daily basis.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love America. But honestly? This day means nothing to me. I guzzle weiners every single day, rain or shine. I don’t need the excuse of a federal holiday commemorating the Continental Congress’ declaration that the 13 American colonies regarded themselves as a new nation and that the United States of America was no longer part of the British Empire to guzzle a good meat pole.”
Throughout the year, Toteburg is able to schedule her daily guzzling sessions at ideal guzzling times, thanks to her flexible work schedule.
“I majored in aerospace engineering in college but chose to focus on my true passion after graduation. I picked up this beauty contractor gig at Mary Kay because it’s the only job that allows me to take several hours off during the day. You know, to guzzle.”
According to Toteburg’s family, her guzzling habits are both impressive and alarming.
“I didn’t really know guzzling was such a big part of her life until a few months ago,” said Kitty’s mother, Nancy Toteburg. “I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, however. Thinking back to when she was a teenager, Kitty spent many late nights studying at the local library. In retrospect, she was probably guzzling weiners.”
Mrs. Toteburg is both supportive and concerned about her daughter’s guzzling.
“You know, as a parent, these suspicions are always in the back of your mind. But you never think it’s gonna be your kid who’s guzzling weiners on the daily. You never think it’s gonna be your little angel.”
Although the 4th of July didn’t phase Kitty, she was encouraging of those who participated in weiner guzzling.
“It was inspirational to see some first time guzzlers stepping out of their comfort zones yesterday,” Toteburg said. “Most of them won’t guzzle again until next Independence Day, but there’s always one or two who get hooked. Guzzling requires commitment; if you’re still guzzling weiners in November, in March, in May, I’ll know you’re just as dedicated as I am.”
“Hands down, the best relationship of my life. I’m a very, very, VERY lucky man,” said Kyle Hanlin, Toteburg’s live-in boyfriend.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: