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How To Avoid The Freshman 15 By Reverse Cowgirl-ing The F’Real Milkshake Machine Every Night

Now that I am a junior at the University of Iowa, I find that as I clop down Clinton Street in my linen tunic and wooden clogs, swinging my empty Prairie Lights tote bag across the sidewalk, many anxious freshmen start to flock around my ethereal, tight, hot little body and ask me for advice, the most common being: “How to avoid freshman 15?”

To that, I have a simple and straightforward response: Simply reverse cowgirl the F’Real Milkshake Machine inside the Burge C-Store every single night!

“But ma’am,” the freshmen say. “How could this possibly help us avoid gaining weight? How are we to practice portion control when we’re presented with thousands of delicious options at Catlett? How are we to resist guzzling down nine cartons of EasyMac at 2 a.m. after drinking four loaves of bread worth of Miller Lite?”

I tilt my jaw back and I laugh and I laugh.

I explain to the innocent 18 year-olds that the only way I managed to avoid gaining the notorious, dreaded freshman 15 was by breaking into the Burge C-Store at 3 a.m. every night, mounting the F’Real Milkshake Machine and riding that bad boy til’ dawn.

“Oh, the memories!” I exclaim to the heavy Iowan thunderclouds looming above.

Through my mind’s eye (which is a sapphire blue, thank you) I can see myself in 2016, living out the first few weeks in Currier Residence Hall: meeting new friends, studying for classes, and of course, packing on a pound of flesh per day.

“I was like you once,” I tell the freshmen, patting their greasy heads with my long fingers (I play piano as a hobby!). “I chowed down on creams and candies, beefs and waffles, dressings and toppings. I couldn’t resist sliding an entire sleeve of Oreos right down my hole between classes!”

By reverse cowgirl-ing the F’Real Milkshake Machine every single night, the machine that single-handedly causes moms across the Midwest to blurt, “Oh honey! What happened?” during Thanksgiving break, I was able to cancel out every single calorie I consumed during the day.

I sit down in the middle of the Pentacrest and the freshmen circle around me. I thrive on the attention – in fact, I emotionally depend on it!

“Freshmen, you have to understand that I was diligent. I was tenacious. I was determined to fight this epidemic that affects millions of freshmen every single year,” I say, as a single, silver tear falls from my big left eye and onto the tippy top of my sharp cheekbone.

I remove my clogs and the freshmen take turns kissing my toes because they are so grateful for my advice. As they scatter away,  I take out a Lactaid pill and discreetly shove it up my lady pocket — nobody’s perfect!

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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