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Hawks Help Hawks Now Helps You Cart Your Drunk Ass Home!

According to recent reports, a crowd favorite orientation strategy has hit the Iowa City streets: Hawks Help Hawks, in which Iowa students help each other out of challenging situations, has entered the hearts of the Hawkeyes.

While the fun, alliterative catchphrase started as a way for friendly upperclassmen to point freshmen in the direction of Van Allen Hall, it has since expanded into the nightlife realm. Students across campus have expressed mixed feelings on the trend.

Reported freshman Brenna Brenson, “Last night, I stumbled out of Currier after a lit pregame sesh, only to puke Mountain Dew and Hawkeye all over myself. Then, I realized I locked myself out. I had no idea what to do, so I just sobbed HAWKS HELP HAWKS out of sheer panic, and some girl drinking a smoothie stumbled out and helped me! It was truly incredible.”

Hawks Help Hawks is known across campus for its late night pick-me-ups where helpful students quite literally pick other drunker students up off the ground of the Ped Mall.

For sophomore and certified nerd Mike Daniels, Hawks Help Hawks was more of a helping hand:

“I was invited to this hot girl’s apartment on Burlington for a party last month, but I didn’t want to go empty handed. Well, Hawks Help Hawks can now help you get both laid and home safely. I yelled it, and sure enough, shirtless dudes and girls in sports bras came running across the street and into the Kum n’ Go, each now toting a fresh handle of Hawkeye… Well her name’s Molly, and now we’re engaged.”

While Hawks Help Hawks does not take credit for the 114 engagements it has helped with over the past two months, they have been held accountable for the number of awkward situations they’ve prevented. Hawks Help Hawks has helped prevent over 400 after-sex conversations from one night stands. With a patent-pending extraction process, “Hawks Help Hawks” relieves students of the burden of worrying about a quick and easy getaway.

Said Marketing major Henrietta Hornstein, “I needed to scratch that itch, and Hawks Help Hawks came through! I had been rummaging through all the potential dudes in Union all night and finally found a guy. Waking up the next morning could’ve been so cringey, if it wasn’t for Hawks Help Hawks.”

Student leaders of Hawks Help Hawks encourage others to expand their services to breaking up bar fights and bad first dates. With seniors soon graduating, “Hawks Help Hawks” aims to raise the bar for incoming freshmen and their drinking needs in the upcoming semester.

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