BREAKING: Sheets of ice once covering the Iowa River are now separated into large chunks after undergoing what local climatologists are officially calling “melty melty time”. Thankfully, beloved Iowa City coffee shop The Java House is putting these ice chunks to good use.
“Until further notice, all of our iced coffee beverages will now be chilled using locally produced ice,” commented Milo Carmichael, head barista. “We try to use sustainable, organic ingredients in our products whenever we can. This river ice is the perfect way to uphold our mission!”
The idea first came to Carmichael while crossing the bridge from the Theatre Building to Catlett Residence Hall. “The stage combat class I am auditing let out early, so I decided to take a leisurely walk back to the east side. I spend hours behind the coffee bar each day, mixing drinks and touching baked goods with my bare, unwashed hands. So a pensive stroll overlooking our majestic Iowa river is a nice change of pace for me!”
It was on this particular outing that Carmichael discovered the ice chunks. “I leaned over the railing, hoping to see some winter wildlife; perhaps a puffin or two,” explained the barista. “Instead, I saw these massive sheets of river ice, beautifully shattered by the late January sun into what scientists call ‘chunky chunkies.’ I was immediately struck with some sugar-cookie-latte-level barista inspiration.”
Carmichael reports he ran down the side of the bridge and waded into the river to retrieve one of the chunks. “I had to bring back this ice to J-House. The water was freezing and parts of my left foot are no longer functioning. But the image of hundreds of students and community members sipping iced coffees and Venetian lemonades, and crunching on that freshly caught river ice warmed my soul.”
The new ice has already received glowing reviews from Java House regulars. Commented local dad Bernard Yard, “I ordered my typical soy iced latte yesterday morning after dropping off my idiot daughter at Horace Mann Elementary. I was pleasantly surprised to hear about the use of the river ice! I think it definitely gave my drink the sour, cancerous aftertaste it was previously missing.”
Meanwhile, The University of Iowa Facilities Management strongly discourages consumption of ice from the Iowa River, drinking water from all university water fountains, and Tide Pods.
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