This past weekend, actor and filmmaker Woody Harrelson charmed the pants off of the entire population of Iowa City in one fell swoop. In an unsurprising move by the University, Kinnick Stadium will officially be renamed Woody Harrelson Stadium in honor of Iowa City’s new favorite actor. (Step aside, Ashton!)
“Nothing says Hawkeye pride like spending a few days here,” said University official Charles Merritt. “The example Mr. Harrelson set for all of us is one we want to commemorate and honor, and what better way to do that than by naming our beloved stadium after him.”
But what about Nile Kinnick, prompted The Black Sheep reporters. “Who?” replied Merritt.
We asked several students what they thought of the stadium’s name change. “I’m honestly thrilled. Woody Harrelson is the greatest artist to ever have lived.” said UI freshman Lexi Priovolos, who was wearing a Now You See Me 2 t-shirt. Priovolos wanted it noted that the front of the t-shirt said “Now You See Me 2” and the back said “Now You Don’t 2”.
“Yeah, I think this is the best decision the university could have made,” said another student, sophomore Kyle Martendal. “He reminds me to focus,” he continued while doing pull ups in front of a headshot of Harrelson he taped to the wall.
An emergency meeting of the non-academic student organization Ashton’s Angels, a club devoted to the preservation of Ashton Kutcher’s legacy here on campus, was not pleased by this announcement.
“Everyone knows that Ashton is Iowa City’s official actor. If they’re gonna rename the stadium after anyone, it should be him,” said organization president Tom Weldon. This statement was met with thunderous applause and much stomping of feet from the small but mighty student organization. Weldon continued: “We are prepared to torch-and-pitchfork this shit if we have to.”
When asked about the dissent from groups like Ashton’s Angels, Charles Merritt held firm to the university’s stance on the name-change. “The university has made up their mind. We feel that this is the decision that will make everyone the happiest. On a personal note, Woody kind of nodded at me during his Q&A at Hancher, and I can honestly say I’ve never felt more special and recognized in my life. He is a beautiful man, and our beautiful stadium should share his name.”
The official name change should take effect before the beginning of the next football season, said the administration. Harrelson couldn’t be reached for comment, leaving us with the hope that he didn’t reply because he’s so busy working on Now You See Me 3.
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