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I Kissed An NYC Rat On The Lips And Now I Can Perfectly Predict All MTA Delays

As a summer intern in New York City, I do a lot of commuting via the MTA, which stands for “MANY TRAINS, ASSORTED” and is a public benefit corporation responsible for the subway, colloquially known as “my slick ride” or “the chunky metal Clydesdale of the Northeast.” However, New York City isn’t all glitz, glam and gout. Turns out, MTA has a lot of flaws! Trains rarely come on time due to construction, underground traffic, and pieces of ooey-gooey gum thrown onto the tracks. Lucky for me, my commute became much more efficient after I kissed a New York City rat smack on the lips last weekend. As a dutiful intern, I live-logged the entire event:

Saturday, New York City, 8 a.m.: 
Walking to the train. Ah the train! The first few weeks using the transit system were hard and confusing. I had to learn all the unspoken social rules, such as giving up your seat for a pregnant woman after asking “So, when are you due?” and avoiding direct eye contact with anyone about to get off on the Upper West Side.

8:15 a.m.:
Swiping my Metro Card at the turnstile. About a month later, I’m proud to report that I’m actually getting the hang of the New York City subway. Last Tuesday, I even balanced inside a moving car hands-free for two whole minutes before tumbling mouth first into a man’s exposed potbelly. New record!

8:20 a.m.:
Standing on the platform at the 145th Street station in Harlem, waiting for the A train. It’s so hot down here; I’m sweating my big, swinging balls off. Will edit that last part out later.

8:21 a.m.:
WOW. W-O-W. I just spotted the most gorgeous New York City subway rat I have ever seen in my entire summer here as an intern, scurrying across the track below me. Swoon!

8:22 a.m.:
Oh my god. He’s climbing up the side of the platform. Oh my god. Did he sense my pheromone explosion? My heart is pounding underneath my Free People crop-top and my feet are trembling inside my ASOS summer clogs.

8:23 a.m.:
A primal spirit has taken over my entire body.

8:23 a.m.:
Should I stop live-logging this?”

8:23 a.m.:
No, no NO! An intern NEVER stops live-logging!

8:23 a.m.:
I feel this…intense desire to lunge towards that sexy rat and run my palm through his thick fur. As a summer intern, I get very little physical contact with other living beings. I need this.

8:24 a.m.:
Here we fucking go.

8:24 a.m.:
DID THAT REALLY JUST HAPPEN?

8:25 a.m.:
I KISSED THAT RAT ON THE LIPS?

8:26 a.m.:
That was EXPLOSIVE. Am I into bestiality? New therapy topic!

8:27 a.m.:
I’m beginning to see the station around me in a COMPLETELY new light.

8:28 a.m.:
My bones can suddenly feel every train tremble…my nose can pick up the sweet smell of diesel from miles away and – oh! I just had an EPIPHANY.

8:29 a.m.
THE B TRAIN WILL ARRIVE IN FOUR MINUTES AND 22 SECONDS. AT 34TH STREET – HERALD SQUARE, THE D TRAIN WILL BE EXACTLY 12 MINUTES LATE.

Lo and behold, all my predictions of train delays were spot on for the rest of the month. I began to share my predictions with my fellow commuters, who immediately shouted back: “Why should we believe you? You’re carrying a Fjallraven Kanken backpack, you fucking NYU Tisch poser bitch!”

In conclusion, does anyone know where I can get a rabies vaccine and like, does it hurt that bad?

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