While Iowa City and surrounding areas certainly have a unique charm, there is no denying the fact that they could benefit from a touch of European glamour. Here are 7 reasons why the little patch of gravel and murky, STI-infused liquid locally referred to as “Lake Macbride” should be transformed into a European style nude resort!
7.) It would increase Iowan tourism tenfold:
Solon, Iowa, home of Lake Macbride, does not have a fraction of the glitz, glam or rich history of a beautiful, (definitely-not-the-site-of-a-quaint-1930’s Nazi-rec-center) European beach town. Adopting a nude-tolerant policy would bring in tourists from across the globe, upgrading the town from “wtf where is that even?” to “oh yeah the nude beach place.”
6.) More patients for The University of Iowa hospitals and clinics:
Think of the economy! Allowing nudity at Lake Macbride would result in a slew of new injuries and ailments for the hospitals, ranging from kernels of gritty lake sand in intimate crevices to burnt nips to PTSD from seeing your great uncle’s wang. While tragic, these afflictions are viewed in the science community as “very Euro-glamourous” and “delightfully Parisian.”
5.) A chance to see local celebrities in the nude:
While visiting the nude Agesta Beach in Stockholm, Sweden, one might be lucky enough to see politician Janusz Ryszard Korwin-Mikke’s Polish sausage! Why can’t Iowans experience this kind of thrill? Come on down to the nude beach, grab a complimentary flute of champagne and finally learn if Herky the Hawk’s carpets match the drapes!
4.) It would provide a nice distraction from the pounds of goose shit everywhere:
Lake Macbride is infamously saturated with thousands of chunks of avian fecal matter. Let’s give Iowans the classy beach experience they deserve! Elegant new European services such as a communal cheese board and cigarette smoking lessons will distract pampered patrons from noticing the thick film of shit coating the soles of their bare feet!
3.) You wouldn’t have to drive to Target to buy that new bathing suit:
The nude policy at Lake Macbride would save you from spending $30 on a trendy, tribal print Mossimo™ one-piece every summer! Parks and Recreation urges all citizens to purchase croissants with the money they save, calling it “an efficient, buttery, flaky way to bring European culture to Southeastern Iowa.”
2.) Iowans would be able to feel a closer connection to Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus and Michelangelo’s David:
Upon viewing art, many Iowans may find themselves uttering the same refrain: “I can’t relate to these historic pieces of art because I have never been able to be fully, publicly nude in my hometown’s man-made Midwestern lake!” The mission to make Lake Macbride nude-friendly would result in Iowans finally being able to understand and appreciate the Renaissance.
1.) Quick and Painless Adult Baptisms:
An adorable cardinal at the Vatican has agreed to permanently relocate to the nude friendly Lake Macbride, thus available at any time for a quick adult baptism! Local Iowans will never again have to sit through one of those unglamourous Sunday morning kiddie-pool dunkings of an adult man who found Jesus after taking ayahuasca at Burning Man!
Are you convinced that Lake Macbride should become a European style nude resort? Send a letter to former Iowa Governor Terry Branstad voicing your valuable opinion. He loves to be nude!