Three weeks into fall semester and Carol Haskins, 49-year-old mother of University of Iowa sophomore Zoe Haskins, is missing her little baby bird. After dropping off Zoe in Iowa City, Carol returned to her home in Altoona, Iowa and attempted to combat a bad case of empty nest syndrome by whipping up a variety of baked goods to send to her daughter, who would honestly just prefer some cash.
“I’m making all her favorites: Scotcharoos, Puppy Chow, Peanut Butter Monster Cookies and my famous Snickerdoodles!” said Mrs. Haskins, apparently unaware that the $75 spent at the her local Hyvee on baking soda and butterscotch chips could have simply been handed to Zoe in the form of paper bills.
“She really baked up a storm,” commented Dan Haskins, Carol’s husband. “I wanted to just hand Zoe a check or something before we left town, you know, for petty cash. But this care package is gonna be bursting at the seams with Mamma’s love. What more could a college sophomore want?”
Once the baked goods were out of the oven and onto the cooling rack, Carol began to elaborately decorate the package itself.
“She’s going to love this!” exclaimed the mother as she glued on edible flowers, pieces of gold foil and shards of decorative diamonds to the cardboard box, despite the fact that a tight lil’ roll of twenty dollar bills held together with a rubber band and thrown into the top drawer of an IKEA dresser would suffice.
“I just fucking need cash, okay?” said Zoe after receiving the thoughtful care package from her sweet mother.
“Yeah, sure, a few Ziplocs packed with Snickerdoodles are great, but I’m a college sophomore at the University of Iowa – I have rent to pay, textbooks to buy and an expensive cocaine addiction to maintain!”
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.