Connect with us
Connect with us

Iowa

Swoon! My Tinder Match Held Me By The Ankles And Dangled Me Two Feet Off The Ground Just Like The Pheasant Carcass On His Profile!

Last weekend, after slurping four lemon-ginger antioxidant shots and a quarter pound of Wagyu beef, I found myself in an uncomfortable state of intense arousal.

Desperate to assuage my aching lady loins, I downloaded the popular dating app Tinder and started swipe, swipe, swiping away. Seconds into the game, a bloody dead bird body flashed before my horny eyeballs! I smashed Superlike on the profile of the grisly carcass dangler himself: Dan, age 24, from Keokuk, Iowa.

“Hey you,” I messaged Dan. To my delight, he responded immediately.

“Oh yeah? You like what you see, huh?” Dan messaged back.

“Yes. Me like what me see,” I sent. “How often do you go hunting?”

“Every weekend with my dad haha,” he said. “U a hunting chick?”

“Can’t say I am, but I will say I love the way you’re dangling that pheasant carcass in your profile photo…”

“Meet me at Java House in ten minutes,” Dan wrote.

I strapped on my summer jellies and walked to the local coffee shop. Several hours later, I uploaded 54 photos to a Facebook album titled “I’m in Love.”

“When Dan and I met at Java House, we realized we had a deep, intimate connection,” I wrote in the album description. “Within minutes, we were in his truck en route to Lake MacBride. I couldn’t wait for Dan to dangle me just like one of his bloody, bullet-riddled animals! Swoon!”

Dan’s father saw the photos on Facebook later that week and was incredibly proud. 

“I sure raised a good American boy!” Dan’s father exclaimed over FaceTime. “It’s the young danglers like my Danny and the limp, upside-down ladies like you, hanging in front of them, that are going to really get this country back on track.”

I simply cannot wait until my next date with Dan —  he promised he’d stick his hand down my gullet and raise me over the deck of his family’s Pontoon, just like a beautiful Choctaw bass!

Continue Reading

More from Iowa

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top