Last weekend, after slurping four lemon-ginger antioxidant shots and a quarter pound of Wagyu beef, I found myself in an uncomfortable state of intense arousal.
Desperate to assuage my aching lady loins, I downloaded the popular dating app Tinder and started swipe, swipe, swiping away. Seconds into the game, a bloody dead bird body flashed before my horny eyeballs! I smashed Superlike on the profile of the grisly carcass dangler himself: Dan, age 24, from Keokuk, Iowa.
“Hey you,” I messaged Dan. To my delight, he responded immediately.
“Oh yeah? You like what you see, huh?” Dan messaged back.
“Yes. Me like what me see,” I sent. “How often do you go hunting?”
“Every weekend with my dad haha,” he said. “U a hunting chick?”
“Can’t say I am, but I will say I love the way you’re dangling that pheasant carcass in your profile photo…”
“Meet me at Java House in ten minutes,” Dan wrote.
I strapped on my summer jellies and walked to the local coffee shop. Several hours later, I uploaded 54 photos to a Facebook album titled “I’m in Love.”
“When Dan and I met at Java House, we realized we had a deep, intimate connection,” I wrote in the album description. “Within minutes, we were in his truck en route to Lake MacBride. I couldn’t wait for Dan to dangle me just like one of his bloody, bullet-riddled animals! Swoon!”
Dan’s father saw the photos on Facebook later that week and was incredibly proud.
“I sure raised a good American boy!” Dan’s father exclaimed over FaceTime. “It’s the young danglers like my Danny and the limp, upside-down ladies like you, hanging in front of them, that are going to really get this country back on track.”
I simply cannot wait until my next date with Dan — he promised he’d stick his hand down my gullet and raise me over the deck of his family’s Pontoon, just like a beautiful Choctaw bass!