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UI Sports Ranked by How Likely the Players are to Dump You Over Text

Fight fight fight for Iowa! Hell yeah! There’s nothing more exciting than collegiate athletics. There are so many amazing teams on campus, the average student can have a hard time choosing which games and events to attend. In an effort to make that choice a little easier, The Black Sheep has ranked some of of UI’s most popular sports by how likely its players are to dump you over text. Yay!

7.) Track & field:
To their credit, these guys will probably take the time to break up with you in person. But that’s only because they’re so frickin’ speedy that they can just run away after doing the deed to avoid dealing with the consequences. You might have to jump over some hurdles with these runners, but at the end of the day, they’re worth it.

6.) Swimming:
Slippery motherfuckers. For people who love water so much they sure don’t want to see you cry. UI swimmers will text “it’s not you, it’s me” to you with one hand while they carbo-load with a Mama’s Deli sandwich with the other and not think twice about it. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because he doesn’t look as good in a speedo as he thinks he does.

5.) Football:
You live on Dodge St. and he’s always at Kinnick, and it’s just such a long walk that it was easier to shoot you a quick text. At the end of the day, out of all of his priorities, you just weren’t in his Big Ten. And that’s okay, things happen! But it still doesn’t excuse the way he misspelled your name in the breakup text. Yikes. You’d think there’d different academic standards for football players or something.

4.) Gymnastics:
These guys are the most likely to send you a breakup text that’s just straight-up mean. Something along the lines of, “you just aren’t physically or emotionally flexible enough for me, Kelsey.” And it’s true, Kelsey. You’re not. But he didn’t have to say it like that. And he certainly didn’t have to say it over Facebook Messenger. That’s right, these limber motherfuckers are dumping you over Facebook Messenger.

3.) Wrestling:
To be honest, you were kind of waiting for an excuse to tap out with this guy anyway. He’s just always talking about lifting. Lifting this, lifting that, “can you pick up my dry cleaning, I’m too busy lifting”. What the fuck does this guy even have to get dry cleaned? The singlet? The “sorry, it’s over” text is a massive relief to you, mainly because you suspect he loves his deltoids more than he ever loved you.

2.) Baseball:
The only reason these snakes aren’t in the number one spot is because they probably won’t even take the time to craft the breakup text themselves — they’ll have Brett from Kappa Sigma draft it for him and they won’t even look up from their Pancheros burrito to proofread it before hitting send. All these guys want is to get to third base. Like, actual third base. Like, they’re just really focused on the sport.

1.) Quidditch:
It’s always the quiet ones. That’s right, the sports team most likely to commit one of the most egregious dating faux-pas is none other than the elusive Quidditch Club. Hell hath no fury like a dweeb scorned! These guys never quite got over never getting a girlfriend in high school, and they’re taking out all that residual anger on well-intentioned college sweethearts. Hey, you’re better off without them. “Master has sent Dobby a breakup text. Dobby…is…free!”

Look. Not all student athletes are absolute dicks. In fact, the vast majority of student athletes are perfectly kind people who just happen to own S’well water bottles. But some of them are heartless bastards, so we recommend that you give up caring about collegiate athletics altogether and go to an art exhibition, where you’ll meet a guy who will break up with you via spoken word poem.

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