I woke up last week to a notification from The Daily Iowan that said The University of Iowa is no longer a Top 20 Princeton Review Party School, according to some adult nerds over on their staff.
This is the first time in years that MY university has not been on this prestigious list! I made the decision right then and there to seduce the CEO of The Princeton Review in order to get my school back on top.
I began my research that afternoon. It only took me a few minutes to find the CEO’s Linkedin profile and I quickly sent him the following message: “Hey there, sexy. Wanna grab coffee sometime?”
To my delight, the CEO responded within seconds. He told me that although he was happily married with three adult children, he was very interested in meeting with me. We scheduled our date for the following morning, at the downtown Java House.
As I was painting my face and tweaking my hair for the meet-cute, I took a moment to look myself in the eyes and remember what was at stake.
I thought of all the parties, all the darties, all the ragers that happen on my campus. I thought of the DUIs, I thought of the PAULAs. I thought of the possession of weed arrests, the underage drinking arrests, the public urination arrests. I thought of all the Chad’s and Jake’s living on Johnson, shotgunning beers and sprinkling cocaine. I thought of the McKenzie’s and the Emily’s, soaking tampons in Hawkeye Vodka and Juul-ing until the sun rises over the Old Capitol building.
My eyes filled with tears. These students and their parties were being overlooked. Diminished. Erased. Forgotten. Voiceless. I would seduce the CEO of The Princeton Review in their honor.
I walked into Java House and ordered a Sugar Cookie Latte. The CEO walked in and I pulled down my v-neck sweater, ready to seduce.
“You are even more beautiful than your Linkedin profile picture,” the CEO said.
I lifted up my mug and slowly poured boiling Sugar Cookie Latte down my cashmere. I watched the CEO turn bright red and bashful. My seduction was successful.
I leaned over the table and took the CEO of The Princeton Review‘s hand in mine. I kissed it, one hundred times. Then, I whispered, “Rank Iowa. Give us our ranking back. We deserve it. We party so, so hard. Come on, baby. Do it for me.”
“I can’t,” the CEO moaned. “The categories are use of beer and alcohol on campus, drug use on campus, popularity of sororities and fraternities, and the amount of studying done outside of the classroom. I just compile the statistics!”
I smacked his hand away. This was going to be more difficult than I imagined. The CEO’s helicopter landed on the roof of the Java House and I had to go to class. However, I texted several photos to the CEO later that night of parties at Rise, fraternity tailgates, recent police reports and my own personal nudes.
Hawkeyes, the comeback is coming.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.