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S*** You’re Too Old for at JMU

Remember when you were a senior in high school and that kid who graduated a year ago kept popping up in lunch, and you’re just like “Jesus dude, you’re way too old for this shit”? this is a lot like that. Except, you know, not as lame.


7.) Stealing Quad Bricks:

This is the dumbest “tradition” here. Please stop doing this.  Not trying to be a wet noodle or anything, but… don’t do this. Whether you’re a freshman or a super senior, you just make life harder for everyone else and at the end of the day you get an ugly, worthless piece of masonry. Kudos.

6.) Saying “Rose Library” or “PC Dukes”:

No, just, no. These words should be out of your lexicon by the second week you’re here. If you’re still calling ECL and Dukes by there “official” university name after a year or two, you have no hope.  


5.) Meal Plans:

Yo, it’s time to stop being a lazy POS and actually learn some life skills. As much as eating at E-Hall and SSC may seem convenient, and, well, tasty this isn’t advantageous for you in the long run. Imagine this: You’re charged with cooking dinner for your significant other and their parents and you can’t tell the difference between scallions and chives or you end up making this disaster. Now Janice thinks you’re a piece of shit who isn’t good enough for her daughter.


4.) Going out on Thursdays:

Nope, nope, nope. Look, after freshman year, this needs to be a thing of the past. Is it really worth feeling like death in your 9 a.m. after a night dancing with sweaty humans in some over-capacity house? HELL NO. The only exception to this is Halloweekend– go balls to the wall Thursday-Saturday. Bet that was fun.


3.) Wearing real clothes:

Unless you’re in COB or have a presentation, there is literally no reason as to why you ever wear “real” clothes once you’re an upperclassman. You’ve been there and done that. Who are you trying to impress? “Actually, I wear nice clothes for me, not any one else!” Yeah, okay, Chad. Whatever you say. Throw on a baggy-ass shirt and some sweats and strut across the Quad proudly.


2.) Going to any sporting event besides football:

Besides 1787 and Greek Sing has anyone ever actually been back inside The Convo?  Maybe you made it in their once, but what about a basketball game? OF COURSE NOT. Who wants to spend their time watching our basketball teams play Wagner, or, you’re not going to believe this… BRIDGEWATER COLLEGE.

Besides, you probably have a better chance of building a time machine and stopping the assassination of JFK than catching the men’s team get a meaningful W or sell out a game. The rest of the sports? Meh. Maybe go to as softball game if they host the Regionals or Super Regionals? (Which, actually, they probably will.)


1.) Taking the bus:

Alright, obviously not everyone can afford a parking pass or even have a car… but, if you do have a car it is time to liberate yourself from HPDT. No more body odor, weird townies, or tardiness. Cop that parking pass and make your own rules…if you can find parking…


Don’t get caught up in the past, grow leave some things back in 2015 where they belong. Learn how to cook, or don’t force yourself the disservice of having to sit next to some dude who hasn’t showered in days and has some long-ass fingernails. Once you hit a certain age, you’re simply too

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