In Greek mythology, the youth known as Adonis was spared an eternity in the Underworld as a result of his divine sexiness, bending the wills of the very gods of Olympus. In a very similar fashion, KU basketball has claimed a historical 14th consecutive conference title, totally attributable to their mouthwatering allure. It’s not just the players, however. In fact, in completely coincidental fashion, there are 14 total reasons why Jayhawk basketball is the sexiest in the league. Let’s have a look, shall we?
14.) We’ve got the sexiest players:
The obvious one. Our men are the hottest babes on the block, no questions asked. Seriously, what a bunch of hunks. Lagerald Vick, Mitch Lightfoot, Chris Teahan, Malik Newman, and who could forget the tallest piece of ass in existence, Udoka Azubuike. Seven feet of true beauty. His knee may be bothering him now, but he will have no problem with the ladies.
13.) And also the sexiest coach:
We know Billy gets your blood pumping to parts of you the sun shouldn’t see. You better behave your Self when he’s around because you’re probably at a KU basketball game in that scenario, and that means there are young children watching. We still get it though, he’s a hunk and he literally radiates success, and what’s more attractive than success? Well… money, but he’s got that too.
12.) Plus Devonte’, who’s also sexy:
You’re lucky D-Tae is wrapping up his last season donning his blue jersey because that means he doesn’t have much time left to snatch your girl from you, most likely stealing your heart and the basketball in the process. Hell, my dog would leave me for Devonte’. He’s the Big 12 Player of the Year, our leading scorer, AND he now has a rap song dedicated to him, if you say that doesn’t rev your engine, you’re a liar.
11.) Big Jay, nice n’ sexy:
Big Jay is a thing of beauty. He’s graceful, classy, and intimidating to some. He’s the lead cheerleader for all things KU, and let’s be honest, he’s a lot better looking than you. People always wonder what the sexiest people look like without clothing, but in this case, you get to picture the sexiest bird bod around.
10.) Our other sexy mascot:
Sexiness often runs in the family, and it certainly did with KU’s mascot lineage because Baby Jay has definitely got it going on. Actually, time out for a minute. How old is Baby Jay? Is she underage? Let’s hold off on this one for now, we don’t want to get ourselves in trouble.
9.) Sexy fans:
Congrats, Jayhawk fans, you finally made a list by The Black Sheep, the central theme of which is just how sexy you are! This is a particularly joyous occasion, our approval is difficult to attain. In fact, you are encouraged to show your enthusiasm by sending pictures of your feet to us through whatever means possible!
8.) Sexiest Fieldhouse:
Have you ever been turned on by a building? We visited the Washington Monument last summer and thought it looked kind of like a penis, which we’d imagine might get some people off. Anyhow, the point is, Allen Fieldhouse may not have much in common with human genitals, but that doesn’t mean it’s not extremely easy on the eyes. After all, people from all around literally wait in line to get inside it 30 times a year. They camp out in the bowels of this building just to secure a seat inside.
7.) Some sexy students in the student section:
You would be hard-pressed to find anyone who knows how to make love to the camera better than the KU student section. It can’t be that difficult for the students themselves to raise such a racket though, considering they get to share the sexiest court with the sexiest players, the sexiest coach, and all those other aforementioned sexy bastards. It’s a steaming hot mess in there.
6.) We’ve got a smooth & sexy band:
Your parents probably won’t tell you the song they conceived you to because they’re embarrassed that it wasn’t the Jayhawk Fight Song. You should add to that Spotify sex playlist you have. The KU band surely is something. What an arousing array of folks blowing, pounding, and fingering such a wide variety of polished instruments, wouldn’t you say?
5.) Big sexy scoreboard:
Something about seeing that 30 point gap between home and the visitor (you had it coming, Oklahoma) up on that big blue box hovering above your head just makes your knees weak and your loins heavy. It’s really nothing short of gorgeous.
4.) Sexiest Rock Chalk Chant:
Viking armies would strike fear into the hearts of their enemies by collectively hollering at the top of their lungs before rushing into battle. KU fans do the same thing both before and after a well-earned victory. The only thing it makes people afraid of is just how soon they’ll probably give in to the primal instinct lurking in their minds to get out of their pants as soon as possible.
3.) Some nice and sexy hot dogs:
Who could forget those overpriced Allen Fieldhouse hot dogs and just how well they fit in your filthy mouth? They rank second in the list of most wanted KU wieners, the first being Big Jay’s.
2.) Very sexy uniforms:
There are only three articles of clothing that can guarantee you intercourse after a first date: a Cookie Monster snapback, Gucci sandals, or a shimmering white KU jersey. That’s the problem with these jerseys; the stretch of time between you purchasing one and having it ripped off of you by a pair of eager hands is never terribly long. The purchase is always worth it if it gets you laid.
1.) And the sexiest statue of Phog Allen:
The only downside to the glamorous statue of Phog Allen standing guard outside of the Fieldhouse is that it’s incapable of gaining sentience and feeling you with its thick, metal, yet surprisingly nimble hands. Even so, we’re sure you don’t mind doing all the work instead.
Everything there is about KU basketball that is unrelentingly and unapologetically sexy. This insatiable prowess got us to 14 straight Big 12 titles, may they supply us with 14 more.
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