Guess we can take the “Fire Zenger” banner that flew over Memorial Stadium last fall as a sign from heaven that sealed Sheahon Zenger’s fate. So far Zenger’s hires have been disasters. His football coaches have a combined record of 9-53 and his only other hire is 14-47. With that, here’s a list of 5 people who would make a much better A.D….
5.) Uncle Anthony:
One thing Zenger seriously lacks (other than good decision making skills), is personality. Zenger has the personality of a bowl of oatmeal that’s been sitting out for two hours. We need someone with energy, pizzazz, and school spirit. Who better to fill that role than Wayne Seldon’s uncle Anthony? The ‘Seldon Time’ clock medallion alone proves that he’s someone who takes KU sports seriously. Plus, given the alternative, it’s hard not to offer him the job on the spot.
4.) Mia Khalifa:
Yes, the famous porn star. For those of you who don’t follow her on social media, believe it or not, she’s super into sports now that her um, ‘acting career’ is over. From taking selfies wearing sports jerseys (only wearing sports jerseys), snapping herself watching sports, or hosting her own sports talk show on Complex (yes, that’s a real thing), she definitely has an affinity for sports. She’d no doubt be able to attract a lot of fresh talent to KU and since she’s used to being in sticky and messy situations, she’d have no problem cleaning up Zenger’s mess.
3.) A random sports management major:
Let’s be real, just about anyone would be better at this job than Zenger. Surely that one sports management major in your dorm who never shuts up about sports and is always playing 2K or FIFA would be a better AD than Zenger. Going from managing all their fantasy teams to managing the entire university’s athletics department can’t be that difficult. There’s got to be a sports major somewhere, or a ball boy, or someone who just likes watching sports they can round up to do the job.
2.) Jason Sudeikis:
Ok, so he’s not like the ‘world’s greatest actor’ or anything and admittedly We’re The Millers was pretty boring, but he’s a big KU fan, and given Zenger is the current AD, that’s about the only qualification we need. And he’s from Overland Park, so he knows his way around Kansas. Just imagine him at press conferences. Who wouldn’t want Kurt from Horrible Bosses to be the next KU AD? At least he’d be better than our current horrible boss.
1.) A bag of wheat with James Naismith’s face drawn on it:
As we’ve already established, pretty much anything would be better than Zenger. Literally anything. KU is all about tradition, so who better than to revive the athletic department than the inventor of basketball, James Naismith…’s face painted on a bag of wheat?! For a school that prides itself on history and tradition, it seems like a perfect fit. Almost too good to be true. Naismith and ‘wave the wheat’ all in one.
The bottom line is, Zenger’s gone and we’re all fucking thrilled about it, and any one of these options would be a significant step up.
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