Everywhere you look, it’s “Hillary did this” and “Donald Trump said that.” There’s so much negativity being spread this election season that we’ve all actually considered *deep breath* quitting social media. All of this makes us wish we lived in a simpler world; a world where emails and pussies don’t exist. A world where the size of one’s hands doesn’t matter, and the color of one’s pantsuit is irrelevant. Maybe there’s room for a new candidate in this race. Donald, Hillary, step aside. Here are five things our mascot Big Jay would do if elected president of the United States of America.
5.) Fight ISIS in a Dance-Off:
As commander in chief, the whole “ISIS” thing is likely to come up once or twice. Kidnappings, beheadings, and attacks on civilians are seriously not cool, but luckily Big Jay knows that anything can be solved with a good ol’ fashioned dance-off. Dim the lights and show us what you’ve got, ISIS.
4.) Amended Second Amendment: The Right to Bear T-Shirt Guns:
Ah, the second amendment, an instant classic. Big Jay recognizes the need for gun reform in this country, but when people have such differing opinions coming up with a valid solution seems impossible. Big Jay’s got your gun show loophole right here! Instead of Hillary taking your guns or Trump shooting someone in the street, Big Jay will use his presidential authority to replace all firearms with t-shirt guns. Try taking someone out with one of these bad boys and we guarantee you’ll walk out of there with 100 new friends in matching Jayhawk shirts.
3.) Welfare Programs Funded by Half-Court Shots:
President B. Jay does not believe in handouts, UNLESS you can make this half-court shot! Step right up low-income families, broke KU students, and those affected by the housing crash. All you have to do to get those food stamps is make a half-court shot in Allen Fieldhouse while thousands of screaming fans cheer you on. If you think you won’t be able to make it, well, you always have the option to elect Brennan Bechard to do it for you.
2.) Give Kick-Ass Speeches:
After national tragedies, President Jay will hang his giant head in his gloves and pretend to wipe tears from his felt eyeballs. For the State of the Union Address, the president will run around the room, pretending to slam dunk the microphone, lead the House of Representatives in the wave, hump the podium, and give each member of congress a noogie, which is so obviously a metaphor for education reform.
1.) Legalize Drugs:
That’s right. BJ will legalize literally all the drugs because, seriously, what the fuck is that bird on? Bath salts? We swear we just saw him pretend to fart in a shoe and dump it on Baby Jay’s head.
So if you’re feeling bummed out by your options this election season, don’t be afraid to opt for the third-party vote. And maybe instead of having the first female president, we’ll have the first fictional bird president instead.