It seems like every day there’s a new crazy yelling about gays and sluts on Wescoe Beach. That’s to be expected in a college town that neighbors the Westboro Baptist Church, the Oprah of religious nuts who pass out hell sentences like free cars— “You’re going to hell, and YOU’RE going to hell, and YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!!!” But gays and sluts aren’t the problem. There are some things KU students go through that are so horrific, they forget all about the filthy sin that is premarital sex. Here are five things that are actually worth yelling into a megaphone on Wescoe Beach:
5.) “I DROPPED MY CRUNCHY CHICKEN CHEDDAR WRAP AND THE UNDERGROUND WON’T GIVE ME A NEW ONE!”:
You’re not in hell, physically, but dropping a crunchy chicken cheddar wrap will get you there emotionally. If you’re going to suffer everyone else can suffer with you. Get up on one of those concrete Tetris blocks and scream to the heavens over and over until finally some sucker comes up to you and says, “Ok, ok, dude, here have mine. Just shut the fuck up. Please, for the love of God, shut the fuck up.”
4.) “WESCOE BEACH IS NOT ACTUALLY A BEACH!”:
Forget the gays getting married, there are hundreds of Cali bros who came to KU with promises of getting lit in the middle of campus on a beach full of hot babes and chill vibes, only to find a hella desolate stretch of concrete where the only tan you’re getting is a farmer’s tan. Not cool, man, not cool.
3.) “I GOT HIT BY A BUS AND KU DIDN’T PAY MY TUITION!”:
Twitter might have led you to believe that getting hit by a bus would result in free college, but let’s be honest, why would you ever listen to anything you read on Twitter? You may be paralyzed from the waist down, and that’s what you get for having anal sex according to Westboro Baptist Church, but those vocal chords still work like the day you came out of your mother’s womb. Allow the world to wallow in your misfortune!
2.) “THE STEAM WHISTLE WAKES ME UP EVERY GODDAMN MORNING!”:
We’re in college, remind me why we need a signal that class is over? Something about waking up at 7:50 every morning with a panic attack thinking the smoke monster from Lost has been unleashed in Lawrence makes us want to get out on Wescoe beach, throw down Brother Jed, and lead a crusade against the damn university.
1.) “I PAID $180 FOR A TEXTBOOK THAT I ONLY USED ONCE!”:
What’s worse than abortion? We’ll tell you what. Expensive textbooks. It’s no wonder we’re selling our souls to the devil, college is expensive.
The semester is still young, so don’t strain your voice too hard when you challenge the church with your crunchy cheddar chicken wrap woes. Remember, you’ll need it come finals week when you really need everyone to know you forgot your laptop charger.
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