Even though KU has won 18 games in a row this season, and we are seated in first place in the Big 12, the past few games have been goddamn nail biters. We don’t know what kind of game they’re trying to play with our hearts right now, but this much stress cannot be healthy. So, while you’re clenching those ass cheeks on the wooden bleachers inside Allen Fieldhouse, find yourself some outlets for your stress. These outlets include, but are not limited to:
5.) Planning Your Own Funeral And Will:
No time like the present, right? And at this rate, your brain is releasing such large quantities of cortisol (stress related hormone) and other fluids probably, that you’re on the verge of a swift death anyway. So, when Bill Self calls another time-out, grab your antique leather-bound notebook and quill to jot down your favorite type of flower, and who gets custody of your Bill Self Bobblehead.
4.) Scroll Through Tomi Lahren’s Twitter in Search of Racism:
Only thing better than basketball is calling out racists. Tomi Lahren is that blonde conservative ignoramus who has her own web series or talkshow or whatever, who recently blew up because she made a damn fool of herself on the Daily Show with Trevor Noah. She hasn’t been a public figure for too long, which means her older tweets are seeping with outrageously racist themes. Scrolling in 2012 should be enough of a distraction from the severe tension in the air when we’re down by 12 in the second half and you’re about to have a literal aneurism.
3.) Play a Game Inside a Game:
You know that Disney Pixar short that features the precious old man playing a game of chess with a masterful opponent, that opponent being himself? It’s heartwarming, and not out of the question for any AFH attendees during a tense game! Whip out your pocket chess set (ya know, the one that everyone has) and start yourself a duel. Maybe we won’t win this game but at least you can’t lose at chess when you’re playing yourself.
2.) Lead Everyone in a Group Dance:
Granted, no one actually enjoys these group dances because they are repetitive and would be exactly how you define white culture, (if there was such a thing as white culture). However, in a moment of panic and despair, all one can do is succumb to mob mentality and Cha Cha real smooth.
1.) Try Streaking
You got nothing else to lose (besides the game, the title, the winning streak, etc), so ditch the Jayhawk jersey and run full speed across the court. Maybe if you’re lucky, Svi’s hand will accidentally graze your rump on the dead sprint between goals, which is as likely to be as great of a stroke of luck for you as it is for him. Just don’t forget to stretch before-hand, you don’t want to end up laying naked on the court with a leg cramp.
After all is said and done, we will probably still win, because we are Kansas and we’re literally so good at basketball. Sing out the Rock Chalk chant or throw newspaper in the air, as one does, and enjoy the sport event for what it is: the most expensive program the entire university has to offer.
Did your sign make the cut?