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7 Fresh Hells for Freshmen to Discover on KU’s Campus

Welcome freshmen, our expansive campus is home to many beautiful sights; The Campanile, Fraser Hall, and The Chi-Omega Fountain. However, for every beautiful sight, there’s always one that will make the average student cringe, cry, then probably shit their pants. Here are just a few of those special KU things:

 Wescoe Hall:
Sure, sure, this one might be obvious, but no listicle about shitty things can omit this building. This is KU’s version of a corn maze. There seems to only be one exit out of the building that will dump you anywhere in the proximity of campus. If you exit through any lower door, you may as well be dumped into China. There also seems to be no set pattern on how the office and classroom numbers are arranged. Somehow 301 jumps to 459 and you have to wonder how drunk they were when they built this place.

Blake Hall:
It isn’t very often that you find an academic building on campus that seems to be infested with every species of insect and arachnid. Large wasps tend to sneak out of the back of toilets between the hours of ten and two, AKA prime pooping hours. As Meryl Streep once boldly inquired, “What, may I ask, is the protocol for when a wasp climbs into your asshole?”

The “Back Way”:
On the back of the hill is a set of staircases that seems to go on for miles. The bushes are hardly ever trimmed along these stairs, so many creatures—wasps, snakes, and meth heads—tend to pop out with the intent to kill you. Not only that, but it’s in direct sunlight, so the climber has what is quite literally an uphill battle with swampass.

Frat Blocks:
Something you’re bound to see on a daily basis while strolling down Jayhawk Boulevard is a frat block. This is a group of frat bros who take up the entire sidewalk and walk at a snail’s pace. This is more than likely because they’re still recovering from an fine evening of butt-chugging Rumplemintz. Just try to pass them. You could walk on the street, but you’d risk getting mowed over by a bus. Try the grass, but then you’ll upset the vegans.

The Super-Vegan:
This man stands at the intersection busiest with foot-traffic, Wescoe and Budig, just to hand everyone he sees a PeTA pamphlet. We dare you to say “no”. He’s pushy. Like, “grandma trying to feed you cookies and turkey” pushy. Just when you think he’s done for the year, he’ll be back. Come hell or high water, he’ll be there in hemp shoes and kale socks.

The Budig Hurricane:
For some reason, the people who designed campus thought it would be awesome to build a giant wind tunnel. The area just below Budig reaches ungodly wind-speeds. Not only this, but when it rains any amount more than a sprinkle, this area floods. The staircases leading down to the area become roaring waterfalls. Sometimes it gets so bad that they have to close these staircases. If you’re unfortunate enough to get caught in the hurricane, you’re sure to deal with comments about how “wet” you are.

The Bradford Pear Trees:
Every spring, campus is abloom with beautiful, white trees. Their silk petals flow in the breeze, and they make Jayhawk Boulevard smell like a fresh load of semen. Yes, these deceitfully nice trees just blast the entire campus with that sweet jizz-smell. It even rubs off—no pun intended—on you, so that when you go home, your mother says, “How are you sweetheart? How’s school? And why do you smell like a dirty whore?”

KU is wonderful, but don’t let the Jayhawks trick you into thinking you’ll survive all four years without getting a couple wasp stingers in your elbow and more than enough PeTA pamphlets to build yourself a boat to sail in when the floods come.

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