God wanted to make sure we hadn’t forgotten about him as he sent down a few Wescoe Beach preachers. These followers of Christ had new orders from God on how to spread His sweet word. These are the lessons those messengers wants us to know:
7.) God fucking hates you:
Let’s just get this clear right off the bat, God hates you. You sin, therefore you suck. Why would God like you? These preachers came out to make sure that no matter what you do, God has a MAJOR problem with it.
6.) God fucking hates you. A little less if you’re white, rich, and male though:
This one seems pretty obvious. It seems as if the white frat boys whose parents have been tithing for 20 years could walk by without getting the verbal assault. They need that money for all of their evangelists to fly around in private jets to spread that sweet word of the Lord.
5.) The only place a penis belongs, is in the vagina of the correctly gendered spouse of said penis:
Why would you think your penis belongs anywhere else? You better keep that thing locked up tight until those wedding bells ring, but then you need to have four kids in four years to keep this great creation of God’s alive.
4.) This is what mission work has looked like since the dark ages:
We now know why religion spread so rapidly through Europe, Asia, and then North America way back when. These guys are the perfect way to spread the message of our Father. Hopefully all the other campuses in America are getting the same lessons we have received.
3.) Yelling “slut” and “whore” is the best way to get girls to change their behavior:
Apparently God didn’t know that dress codes end after high school. When these old men see girls walking around without Amish type clothing they recoil in horror and use the only words they find fitting. Hopefully all girls know that life isn’t all about them being comfortable and more about them covering up for their husbands.
2.) Sexually transmitted damnation is the new STD:
Who knew that this would be the new STD? Having sex is now a one way ticket to Hell. Why go through all the toil of finding someone to have sex with when you can just not have sex, and go to a place where you can’t have sex? That’s way better right? Just save yourself for Heaven people, all the priests up there will satisfy you.
1.) The best way to truly serve our Lord and Savior is to sit on college campuses and yell at students:
Clearly God would rather have us all sit and yell at each other about what we’re doing wrong than anything else. He wouldn’t want us to build each other up to share love and hope. Those are now old ideas, God has begun a new age of salvation and its all about making sure that people know they suck.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.