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7 Ways to Seduce a Stranger in the Watson Stacks

 

Finals week is well on its way, which means Jayhawks are hunkering down more frequently inside either one of the two most study-friendly libraries on campus. In addition, Kansas is getting colder and colder by the day, regardless of global warming (you haven’t stopped us yet, China!) Colder weather encourages locking down a soulmate ASAP, as we approach the most romantic time of the year: Cuffing season. You’re thinking, “how am I supposed to meet anyone with dignity if I’m stuck in the library?” Why not make the most of the circumstances, throw out that line, and reel in a fine honey for yourself at Watson?

 

7.) Make Some Noise in the Stacks:

This has to be the oldest trick of them all, but with a bit of a twist. Say you spot someone of your liking, and you’re feeling like they might be “the one.” Catch them at the right time in the stacks and start some trouble by knocking a few books off the shelf. If your honey is anything like Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles (gender irrelevant), they will rush over to help, giving them the perfect chance to look deep into your googly eyes.

 

6.) Use Anything You Can To Start A Conversation:

If you do indeed spot the one, approach them and ask if they know where the bathroom is. This gives you an opportunity to strike up a conversation, but also gives you a chance to find out where the goddamn bathroom actually is. Once they tell you, do a quirky little spin and laugh that you just can’t keep it straight where all the bathrooms are! This is guaranteed to ignite a flame between you two.

 

5.) Publicly Share Your Relationship Status: 

If you’re still having trouble making a love connection, go to where you’ll get the absolute most attention. Stand in the middle of the silent study zone, and boast loudly about your relationship status. “Jeez, I’m just sooo single!” Those who are in the same boat are bound to look up from their studies. Once they see you acting coy, slurping down an iced Rock Chalk Latte, they’re destined to make a move.

 

4.) Get Sex Educated:

After all, you are in the library. Go find the health section of the stacks (good luck) and search for covers with explicit images of the reproductive organs. Those in the area will notice your interest level in the topic, and inquire accordingly. They’ll take the bait hook, line, and sinker, no question! 

 

3.) Drop Your Digits Like They’re Hot:

If you’re really getting desperate, then use the technique of filling out a sticky note pad with your phone number on each page. As you walk throughout the stacks, around the study areas, and over by the printers, drop one at a time. Potential baes will either see you doing this and wonder what is on the sticky note, prompting them to go grab one for themselves, or during the new wave of love interests, someone will come across it on their own.

 

2.) Leave Little Notes at the Printer:

Another low-key way of showing your interested is printing off a love letter your lover-to-be and leaving it on the printer, hoping the universe will help them find it. This note can include quotes from Shakespeare and Walt Whitman, really professing your love for them. Or, it can just be your phone number again, printed in huge font, landscape style. Do what makes you comfortable, but more importantly, laid. 

 

1.) Do a Little Dance, Make a Little Love, Basically, Get Down Tonight:

If all else fails, this is where you bring in the big guns. Make a compilation of the best pick-up songs, like “Touch My Body” by Mariah Carey, “You Make My Dreams” by Hall & Oates, “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’)” by T-Pain, “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes, and many more. Press play, and dance your heart out, making direct eye contact with the person of your dreams. This will probably make them uncomfortable, but the passion will peak their interest, guaranteed.

 

By following these steps, you will be able to lock down a new sweetheart by Christmas, preventing any kind of worried chatter from family members. And if things really go well, well, you’re already in Watson. And don’t worry—you may think you’re at a loss, but to paraphrase Michael Bublé, you just might have not met them yet. 

If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged boxes of Lunchables, then this one is for you:

 

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