On the average day, Ambler Student Recreation Center is filled with a variety of colorful characters. It’s in the presence of these dudebros that you will display your body and its feats while sweating like a pig, all in the same enclosed space. Sounds like a fairly intimate ritual, right? If you’re going to be this tight with these bros, you better get to know them. Here’s a bit of a field guide on the bros you will meet at Ambler to get you started.
8.) Shredded bros:
These bros are hardly unique to Ambler, but goddamn if Ambler doesn’t have a hefty helping of them. The shredded bro treats the place more like land ripe for conquest than a recreational facility, staring down other gym-goers and making sure that their cutoff made from an old high school sports t-shirt perfectly displays their well-defined arms. A natural alpha male, the shredded bro’s only fear is using the water fountain immediately adjacent to another water fountain that is currently being used by another bro.
7.) Ping Pong bros:
The ping pong bro is a simple creature; all day he dreams about table tennis, specifically the kind performed on the table that Ambler has set up right where everyone can see. This bro is playing table tennis when you show up, and is still playing table tennis when you’re leaving. His dedication to the craft is absolutely unnerving. This bro is likely to fly off the hinges at any moment, watch yourself around him.
6.) Symbiotic frat bros:
Ambler always sports at least one group of 2 to 4 frat bros that are attached by their Vineyard Vines-clad hips. These bros do everything together — they wear baseball caps together, they bench together, and they grab the attention of sorority girls they know while secretly hoping they’ll be impressed by their dedication to fitness together. However, much like the shredded bro, the symbiotic frat bro will absolutely not share a water fountain with his bros.
5.) Girl bros:
The male/female ratio at Ambler is roughly 60/40. This 40% female population is dominated by only one subcategory of girl bro: the “only does ass workouts” girl bro. Girl bros are always manning either the stair climbers or free weights. Wherever they are, they’re working on packing more power into that booty. Literally no woman at Ambler has ever done a workout that’s not posterior-related at Ambler, this is a verified fact.
4.) Bike bros:
These bros just ride bikes. Cross training is very beneficial to proper cardiovascular health, so they have the right idea with this whole bike thing. Probably some of the nicest bros you will ever meet.
3.) “I’m just going to hog the butterfly machine and text my buds between sets while still sitting on the machine” bros:
Fuck this bro. Every time it’s chest day, this bro is sure to be there, making an absolute fool of himself and ruining everyone’s day. Sure, you could just go up to him and ask if you could work your own set in, but it’s more fun to just look on from a distance and then bitch about it on your favorite college media publication. The Ambler butterfly machine definitely has some sort of curse hanging over it, for this bro is an ignorant bastard.
2.) Matching hoodie and sweats bros:
A close cousin to the shredded bro — however, this bro is not nearly as commonplace. This bro is only ever at the squat rack, usually dead lifting an ungodly amount of weight. You can tell he takes this exercise business very seriously on account of the fact that his black hoodie and sweats have a matching pattern/text. This bro is the final boss you face at Ambler, and probably has a fitness-themed Instagram with which he sells sponsored exercise apparel.
1.) Racquetball bros:
These bros make this list purely based on just how perplexing their existence is. Somehow there are literally always bros playing racquetball in Ambler, which is shocking, because who would have thought that literally anyone gives a shit about racquetball? These bros sure are something else.
As you can see, the community at Ambler is diverse, if nothing else. Next time you go to whip your hideous, alcohol-ridden hide into shape, take a little look at who’s lifting next to you (but not drinking from the water fountain next to you, that is against rec policy) and decide which bro they are.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: