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9 Things the Old Bookstore Should Become that Aren’t Parking Lots

We’re well aware we need more parking. The tickets piling on our dressers are reminders enough, but we also need more fun on campus because the only fun we had was stripped from us when the bowling alley was taken out. So here are nine suggestions on what the old KU bookstore could be, should be, will be:

9.) A JUUL shop:
What would be better than a certified JUUL shop? Two certified JUUL shops, probably. If we were to have a JUUL shop, our campus would look cooler with more people smoking JUULs, and the sororities and fraternities would flip shit. Plus, nobody fucks with a JUUL pod better than college students. Sales would be through the roof—we’re looking at you JUUL.

8.) A Bill Self Hall of Fame:
We don’t think anything would please KU as much as a single building dedicated to our Lord and Savior, Bill Self Christ. The trophies, the rings, the slightly edited Google image picture of our Lord printed and hung up—right underneath a wall decal that says “Faith is not believing that Self can, it is knowing that Self will.”

7.) A self defense building:
Just get your cookies stolen? Need to beat a guy’s ass the next time he hits on your girl at The Hawk? We would have the building for you to practice how you’re going to go straight for the jugular the minute you realize your dessert’s been swiped. Plus, it’s only a quick walk to it after class? Sign us up!

6.) A strip club:
Fuck it, why not? We have a Cirilla’s near the university, why not a whole strip club? Better yet—let’s just combine the two. We could have Big Jay strip, or Hot Rod Girod, and if that doesn’t sound like it could be a spectacular end to your day, then we don’t know what would.

5.) A gun shop:
What could be a more convenient place to buy the guns we’re allowed to have on campus? We could easily buy them there when we aren’t able to just pick them up from the Wescoe bathroom stalls. Some people don’t even have classes in Wescoe, so it’s best if we put up a shop.

4.) An Apple store:
Not only would Apple make a killing with a store where the old bookstore is, but our Facebook feeds also would finally clear up. You’d finally get to stop looking at posts in your Facebook class from Jessica from Alpha Beta who “can’t believe she lost her iPhone at the Hawk.” Sorry Jessica, nobody is returning your iPhone X they found on the floor of the Boom Boom Room.

3.) A sex club:
Not only would this help us get laid, but it would also save us from the embarrassment of someone catching us asking a Tinder match “do u eat ass?” in the middle of lecture. You don’t really need Tinder if you can just walk through a door and find a club dedicated to what you want: anal fisting. And hey, Watkins is just a quick walk away for all your safe sex needs.

2.) Just a building with a bunch of those basketball games from arcades:
This would be a great thing for those times where you want to play basketball but don’t want to show off too much. You’re too humble to ask to play a few games with the basketball team, plus you’re afraid of breaking their ankles, so this would just have to do.

1.) A graveyard:
It was once a bookstore, and that means that a lot of us and our parents’ paychecks crawled here to die, along with the deaths of of the bright-eyed freshman’s hopes and dreams after those first glances at their calculus textbooks. Turning the old bookstore into a graveyard is the most respectful thing to do.

Fun reminder: it doesn’t matter what we want in the long run because KU will still decide and then transform it into something pointless.

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