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KU Basketball Players if They Were Common Household Cleaning Products

The KU basketball team introduces a new cast of colorful characters every few years, but there’s always one peculiarly consistent theme in the players: they’re all comparable to common cleaning products. Everyone notices it, but no one says anything for whatever reason. Maybe this was a carefully calculated maneuver of Bill Self’s, or maybe he has no idea. Knowing him though, it is likely to be the former. Before reading into it too deeply, here’s this year’s roster and their respective cleaners.

Svi —  Lemon Pledge:

It’s unlikely that there’s a single hard surface in your home that can’t be brought to a shine by the citrus ambrosia that is Lemon Pledge. All the same, there’s not a single team in the nation that can’t be cleansed by the butt-puckering power of Svi’s three-point shot. When the team is playing dusty, Svi is there to wipe them clean of their shortcomings. Also, there’s no one here to contest the theory that Svi has a naturally lemony musk.

Mitch Lightfoot — Clorox® Bleach:


Lightfoot is easily the whitest pair of boots KU basketball has on the ground right now, and really only becomes an option when all hope is lost, just like bleach. Lightfoot also generally seems like a pretty cleanly cut fellow, probably not a lot of stains on his conscience. One could also assume that if you were to liquify the entire KU basketball team, Lightfoot would probably be the purest, most basic fluid of them all. His spit probably makes for a decent sanitizer.

Billy Preston — Urinal deodorizer block:

BP suffered through a pretty long stretch of not doing much besides sitting there and looking pretty, quite like the candy-colored cakes that can be found in most urinals. Of course, it’s not his fault that his college basketball career got royally fucked right in front of him by the cold, feely hands of the NCAA, but someone on this list had to be the urinal cake, and Billy just happens to be the one leaving us. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Devonte Graham — Mr. Clean Magic Eraser:

At the very center of the cleaning product universe rests Mr. Clean and his all-powerful melamine sponge, very similar to Devonte’s position on the Jayhawk starting lineup this year. He has dutifully taken up the mantle as the nucleus of KU basketball this season, proving himself to be a strong player by nearly every measure, which totally makes him comparable to Mr. Clean if you don’t think about it a lot. They also both have very nice smiles.

Malik Newman — Scrub Daddy:

This one is all in the name. It could be wagered that Newman is on par to the very same daddy status held by Frank Mason last year. He came in clutch when he was most needed against Baylor, and also just genuinely comes across as the type of fella who could raise a very admirable family.

Lagerald Vick — A regular sponge, impregnated with soap:


Vick can most closely be related to a cat in terms of play style and personality on the court, but a cat is not a household sanitation product by most accepted definitions, so this is the alternative. To sum it up, Vick is really like another Devonte (a powerful magic eraser), only less so, except in terms of speed and dunking ability. Perhaps this one is a bit of a stretch, but Vick just happens to be extremely unlike pretty much any cleaning product and really just ended up being a spectacular pain in the ass to incorporate into this list.

Udoka Azubuike — The Bridgewater Bath Brick:


This analogy doesn’t really take a whole lot of imagination. Much like the antiquitous bath brick, Udoka is meaty, not terribly quick, and convenient for when you need to polish the floor clear of scum. He also bricks just about every last one of his free throws, which is not so convenient.

Marcus Garrett — The average mop:

Call this one lazy, but Garrett really just kind of looks like a mop. He’s tall, thin, and has hair that looks like it’s fit to sweep the other team. Kind of like, well, a mop. Garrett is also extremely committed to defense—just maybe committed enough to dip his voluminous hair into soap and water and slather it all over the floor. That’s the kind of strategy that creates results.

Oddly compelling, right? If you can’t make the connection just yet, pay a little bit closer attention during the next game. You may see the bigger picture yet.

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