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How to Use Your Concealed Handgun to Keep Your Roommate from Eating Your Easy Mac


Your mac n’ cheese is a precious thing. If you’ve found yourself moving into a tiny dorm room on Daisy Hill, sharing a mini fridge with a complete stranger who conveniently “forgets” to restock their own microwave mac n’ cheese, you’re not alone. But thanks to Kansas’ new campus carry policy, keeping your hungry-ass roommate out of your mac stash has never been easier.

Find the right time to let your roommate know you have a gun:

If you’re concealing a firearm, it’s probably best you let your roommate know. And if you don’t want your roommate eating your delicious Microwavable Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner™, they should know that too. But simply telling them you’d prefer if they didn’t touch your food is out of the question because you don’t know how they will react. Why use your words when you can use suggested threats of violence? 

Keep your Easy Mac where your gun should be and your gun where your Easy Mac should be:

The trick here is to always stay one step ahead. You have no idea what your roommate is doing while you’re in class. When they sneakily check under your bed for a quick snack to steal, let them instead be greeted by a deadly weapon. Meanwhile, you’re strutting down Jayhawk Blvd. with a holster full of that ooey gooey mac n’ cheese like the next Elon freakin’ Musk.

Sleep with your mac n’ cheese under your pillow, and also your gun:

Hopefully you’re seeing the pattern here. The trick is to always have your roommate associate your mac n’ cheese and your gun together. You’re killing two birds with one stone with this technique. Keep your mac hidden, and have your gun ready to defend that which you care about most. You’ll learn that the best way to protect your most prized possessions is to sleep with them. (Ha, tell that to the ex wife!)

Talk extensively about your boyfriend, Mac:

Spend your evenings shoveling trash bags full of mac n’ cheese into your face, while telling your roommate all about your boyfriend, Mac. Talk about how much you love Mac and would never let anything bad happen to him. And if anything did happen, well that would be a shame…. (This is where you use your hand that’s not coated in a thick layer of cheese to gently stroke your gun like a lap dog.) If they’re still not taking the hint, move on to the next step.

Point your gun in their face and scream, “PLEASE DON’T TOUCH MY MACARONI!”:

You have to say please, or else they will take it as a threat and call the police, and trust us, you don’t want that. The Lawrence PD love mac n’ cheese. If you stick to the script above, there won’t be any room for misinterpretation. It’s polite and right to the point. Just make sure your safety is on when pulling this stunt—you don’t want to accidentally shoot your roommate ‘cause that would get messy. And not the good kind of messy.

Know how to protect yourselves, Jayhawks. The only thing scarier than an unknown amount guns currently in your dorm is the thought of someone eating mac n’ cheese that does not belong to them. Be safe out there.

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