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So You Fell Into Potter Lake And You’re Covered in Toxic Sludge…Now What?

Almost no one hangs around Potter Lake, unless you’re that one kid who’s always hammocking or you’re throwing your beer bottle along the side of it. There’s a reason no one likes to fuck with Potter Lake and it’s because it’s most likely full of some type of toxic waste. If you’re that one kid who accidentally managed to take a dip, here’s what you do:

Assess the situation:
Was it just one toe? Or did you full on dive? Or maybe it’s just your beer bottle that flew out of hand? Any of these cases are dangerous, make sure to understand whether you lost your last bit of alcohol or all of your skin.

Spot your surroundings:
Even though it’s honestly a weird part of campus, there’s some nice things you might find back there that could be valuable to you. For example, maybe the Honk 4 Hemp’s guy’s original posters or (spoilers) Rob Riggle’s dick that got shot off at the end of 21 Jump Street. Anything is possible.

Hey so maybe it’s not like, that bad?
It’s time to go through one of the stages of grief: denial. Chances are it is actually that bad, so might as well skip over this step while you can. If you’re full on in the lake, try to find some stray goal post still hanging out and gain your footing.  

Fight, then flee from the Potter Lake Monster:
Huh, so now you’re on the shoreline, but somehow this huge Loch Ness Monster type creature is staring at you? It’s more likely than you think. Your best is to grab whatever trash is on the shoreline, throw it at the beast, and run.

Dodge the people vaping in the woods:
You’d be surprised at how many people are back there vaping. Resist the urge to say, “We get it, you vape,” and run for your life. Or hey you could always join in, not that we’re recommending that though since a lot of these people are a little bit sketch, and your skin is probably disintegrating as we speak.

Seek refuge in the Union:
Someone has to be in the Union, no matter what hour it is. Maybe if you’re lucky, you can give yourself a quick cleanse via Pepsi or Roasterie Coffee at one of the food places. Hopefully, someone will let you in. If not, at least you can shrivel up in peace on one of the couches in the lobby.

Of course, the best course of action would be to stay away. Don’t ever trust Potter Lake.

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