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Here’s What’ll Happen if We Storm Mass. Street Again Tonight

Following KU’s uber-satisfying triumph over Duke, a massive rush of fans — a good number of them inebriated scoundrels– flooded into Mass. Street, stopping traffic to mount cars, climbing up trees, and littering the curbs with empty alcohol containers. This was in response to the Jayhawk basketball team reaching the Final Four, which means that there are potentially two more opportunities for Kansas fans to storm Mass. — the question being, just how much more of this ecstatic rioting can Lawrence’s most famous street withstand?

Everybody will be trashed:
The next game is on a Saturday. At night. In Lawrence. The congregation will be drunker than that of a redneck wedding, and they’ll be excited, reckless, and packed together like sardines. There will be bottles and cans on the ground as if it were paved with them, and any vehicle unfortunate enough to be on Mass. when the buzzer rings will be forever lost in the unending deluge of bloodthirsty Jayhawk fans.

It won’t be as big a mess as it should be:
A win over Nova will certainly be messy, but people will have gone home to celebrate Easter, or to San Antonio to watch the game in the flesh. Sure, Mass will be a wreck, but it pales in comparison to what Lawrence can expect if KU advances and claims the championship.

A disgusting amount of Natty Light will be consumed:
If the sight of The Triangle pains God, this event will bring him to his very knees. The streets will be reduced to the unturned soil they were before man walked the earth, trampled underfoot by fans who were once people but have now been twisted into something more primal than wolves, foaming at the mouth, beating their breasts, and gulping down Natty Light as if it were the air they once depended on for survival.

The world will literally end:
Buildings will cave in as if they were wet cardboard. All of the beloved shops and services on Mass. will be nothing but a memory. Frat bros will ride into the carnage on chariots pulled by K-State fans that failed to escape the state in time, flailing fiery whips into the air as they cry out “Skoooooooo Hawks.” Satan himself will emerge from his throne of roaring flames to complain about the noise, and Jayhawk fans will simply jump on his truck and perform the Rock Chalk Chant as they rhythmically bounce up and down on its smoldering bed.

Wherever you are when KU potentially beats Nova and eventually takes the national title, just pray that it’s not Mass. Street. Lord, anything but Mass. Street.

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