It’s basketball season, Jayhawks. We can finally forget the travesty that is KU football and focus on what really matters; bouncing balls, baby. Basketball was invented here at KU, and as of last year the original rules are on display in Allen Fieldhouse. So even if you think you know how the game works, a true Jayhawk should read the official rules. In fact, it’s kind of insulting if you haven’t. Luckily, we have all the rules right here, and we’ve simplified them so your teeny tiny brains can understand.
The game starts with something called “the tip-off.” The two teams stand in a circle holding hands in the middle of the court. The hamburglar will throw the ball in the middle of the circle and the two teams will work together to try to catch it while still holding hands.
The ball is not supposed to touch the ground. Ever. Like, throughout the whole game. Each time it does, a one second penalty is taken off the clock. That’s why the time always seems to be counting down.
There are a bunch of different ways to score points. You can throw the ball in the hoop, you can throw it to a teammate who will throw the ball in the hoop, or you can turn all the lights off, look in a mirror and say “Michael Jordan” three times and the basketball star himself will appear on the court and throw the ball in the hoop for you. Easy peasy this game.
When a team makes a basket, they score two points. If a basket is made outside of the three-point arc, they score three points. If a basket is made from Canada, the game is cancelled.
When a player throws the ball in a basket, it’s called a “field goal,” however, we reject this because it makes us think about football. What a dark time.
If a player is fouled, they get to make a free throw. The player will stand directly in front of the hoop and shoot the ball. No one is allowed to block the shot. If they miss, the whole stadium is obligated to point and laugh.
Some things that may result in a foul are: hitting, pushing, slapping, shoving, whipping, nae-naeing, wet-willying, farting, using cuss words, pantsing, and giving neck kisses without consent.
At halftime, an inter-dimensional portal opens and our universe is flipped over the y-axis. After this happens, it will look like our team will be going in the opposite direction and throwing the ball into the opposite net (but don’t worry, it’s the same one as before).
At the end of the game, each player from our team kisses each player from the opposing team on the lips. This is called “good sportsmanship.”
Hopefully after reading these rules, you can impress your friends with your knowledge and maybe the ghost of James Naismith will finally stop haunting your dreams.
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