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KU Bird Man Demands Compensation for Single-Handedly Beating OU

Hey KU, Bird Man here. You and I may have met Monday night when my primal wrath wreaked havoc on the Sooner basketball team by scaring the hell out of their star player, Trae Young.

If you weren’t there or didn’t watch, know that that’s exactly what happened. Some time ago he revealed that the avian race is his greatest weakness. This brought me to emerge from my roost, seeking to ruffle his feathers.

However, that night is over, triumph was secured, and we had our fun. Now, it’s time to talk turkey.

Look, we’re all college students. I, myself, am seeking a career as a software developer with a little fashion blogging gig on the side. Sounds like a sweet deal, right? Unfortunately, this dream doesn’t come free — neither does conquest, however. The bottom line is, I gotta put feed on the table at the end of the day just like every other fella out on the street.

I’ll go out on a limb here and say that you all needed this win. The sweet nectar of victory escaped the grasp of your talons the last time we faced off with Trae Young, in a land where my presence was lacking. The season was losing the momentum you’ll be counting on to claim the coveted conference title, and in order to take it back you needed the swift wings of vengeance belonging to a character such as myself.

I am not asking for much here – just a cumulative pardon for all my student loans, a $10,000 certificate to Wonder Fair to fuel my fountain pen collection, a 5th generation iPod Touch, a free lifetime subscription to TIDAL, a small ornate rosewood chest, Moon Shoes, and a $25 Taco Bell gift card. I feel like that’s a pretty fair asking price for my accomplishment. The poor guy couldn’t do anything, and it was all because of me.

I will not discourage anyone from including gifts not named in the list above, but the objects specifically mentioned ought to tide me over until the next time my services are required. 

Sincerely,

Bird Man

P.S. Rock Fucking Chalk

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