Determined to achieve KU-fame, sophomore Andy Girshwood decided to join the Lawrence Bar Band, who make appearances at bars all over Lawrence on game day weekends to get students excited about the inevitable loss their football team will suffer.
On Friday night, the Bar Band made its way to Sandbar, The Bull, The Hawk, and The Wheel as students clapped, cheered and got “laterally sooooo ecxidted” for the band to play.
“I felt like a rockstar,” Girshwood said. “At one point, a girl flashed us her tits. They were pretty much how I imagined boobs would look.”
After his first night touring with the band, Girshwood was sure he would be the talk of the town; however, the following Monday, the mediocre trumpet player showed up to his linguistics discussion section to find that not a single student cared about, or remembered his Friday performance.
“I thought, at the very least, I’d sign a few autographs.” Girshwood said. “I mean, the other night people were screaming my name. Some dude cried when we played the alma matter. A girl grabbed my hand and stuck it in her mouth.”
In attempt to jog his classmates’ memories, Girshwood tried to subtly cough and drum to the tune of the fight song on his desk. He even sported the same puke-stained shirt he wore to the bars that night. To his disappoint, no one recognized him. Not even freshman Laura Hills, who he swore grabbed his butt and yelled, “play something for my dead grandma!” as he walked up to the stage at The Hawk.
“Oh, um, I was pretty out of it by 10 p.m.,” Hills said. “I don’t know, I guess I could have done that.”
After coming to the realization that people only care about the Bar Band when they’re plastered, Girshwood made his way back to his dorm, not with any women, but with only the memories of chugging moosebowls through the bell of his trumpet and students drunkenly singing along to DJ Khaled’s “All I Do is Win.”
Girshwood stated that he likely won’t participate in Bar Band again, as it did not provide him with the results he expected, and he doesn’t think he has it in him to continue to hype up fans of a team who just lost their fourth game in a row.
They put actual crack in PSLs, right? Or is it something else?