This August, the Kansas Department of Transportation awarded the Lawrence Police Department a grant for $30,000 in order to cut down on alcohol-related car accidents and underage drinking.
This grant is known as “Fake ID 101”due to the fact that KU Public Safety is also collaborating on the efforts, and the bouncers needed an actual 100-level class to teach them how to read IDs.
“This grant is a way to keep students from having any fun,” one LPD officer stated. “It basically destroys all chances for the freshmen to fulfill their lifelong dreams of ending up on the College Snapchat Story, dancing belligerently on one of the basketball players.”
The police department, however, has considered this endeavor a success. The number of fake IDs that have been confiscated has skyrocketed in the last month, and so have the tweet brags. Some of the most recent being: “Way to go Lawrence! No fights at bar closing. Like a proud parent”, and that Lawrence Police Officers will be at Einstein Bros. having coffee.
“Good to know that LPD is proud of the abysmal turn out at the Bar-muda Triangle lately,” said one frustrated freshman. “I’ll make sure to come grab a donut, Chief. My bad, A BAGEL.”
As for the students, it has been reported that general morale is notably low as students now have to sit through their classes still sober from the night before. Freshmen have resorted to the Burnett’s that they hid in their top drawers during Hawk Week just to get a buzz.
“It’s sad really, I haven’t made a vodka cranberry in weeks,” one Lawrence bartender said. “21-shot parties are basically extinct, and don’t even get me started on the overstock of Bud Light in the back.”
So to sum it all up, the bars are struggling. The students are struggling. The college life we have all come to know and love is struggling, and this grant is sucking the soul right out of KU.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.