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We Reviewed The Hawk’s Dirty Disgusting Bathrooms

The Hawk boasts three functioning, patron-accessible bathrooms: one past the bar at the main entrance, another at the rear end of the Pine Room, and everyone’s all-time favorite: the Boom Boom Bathroom. Two things that have not been known to mix all that well are indirect paths to any given destination and large crowds of KU students. It’s a good idea to have as many as three toilets handy in a scenario where that group in particular shows up inebriated because God knows where they’d pee if there weren’t that many.

Let’s break down these bathrooms by each of their unique, vibrant personalities.

The main bathroom:
Stumbling across the threshold gated by a decrepit, defaced old door, you’re met with a thick haze of a pee smell. Then, fumbling your way to the stall, you’ll realize that the big construction-site-ass steel door does NOT clear past the toilet, and you have to squeeze your way through, making contact with both the door and a toilet at The Hawk.

While the magnificent ritual that is a visit to a Jayhawk Cafe urinal is taking place, one can really take in the room. From its slippery floors, broken fixtures, and the writing all over the wall that makes the place look like an 8th grader’s high school yearbook, the main bathroom is a patchy one.

The Pine Room bathroom:
The Pine Room bathroom is where it’s at. It’s not big enough to encourage more than two Hawk-goers to be in it at a time, and it has more space in its stall than any other bathroom in the place. This is convenient for when you need a little space to contemplate your life decisions.

Unfortunately, the good people of KU decided one night that the Pine Room toilet was the trash can, and it was overflowing with cups. Dogs have more respect for the spots that they shit on. So yeah, basically the best bathroom.

The Boom Boom Bathroom:
Naturally, as one descends deeper into hell, they would expect it to get hotter. However, this is not quite the case with the Boom Boom Bathroom. Beyond the haze that fills the space and the line that usually holds the door wide open, giving everyone a full view of your strangely powerful stream, this restroom is very similar to the first bathroom. They share the same PVC pipe sink and wall, as well as the usual ambient stank.

This bathroom is up there, but not quite enough to overtake the Pine Room. If you didn’t have to fight through the cloud of JUUL rips it would be even better.

The Hawk’s bathrooms, as vile as they are, get the job done. It’d be nice if they could provide soap in a place where you’re going to be touching lots of people, as well as your own no-no squares, but you can accomplish what is necessary in there at least. Still, if you went to someone’s house, and their bathroom was in the same shape as any bathroom at the Hawk, would you stay much longer? In some cases, it’s important to ask this question. For this, The Hawk receives an overall grade of a D. Fitting, considering it’s the main reason your grades are as bad as they are.

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