LAWRENCE – In a sudden and unprecedented move, KU’s IFC decided to immediately cease all functioning of fraternity organizations on campus. The sweeping display of power comes from recent, unfortunate news of more “systemic behavioral issues” that is particularly prevalent in fraternities. No longer having anything to affiliate themselves with, University of Kansas Greeks find themselves without a scapegoat on which to blame their shitty behaviors.
“When I used to get into class drunk ‘n just sleep through the whole thing then steal notes from a former brother before the exam, people’d look at me and just say ‘well he’s in a frat and that’s what frat boys do,'” said James Thompson, senior and former member of the KU Greek community. “Now it’s like, well what do I tell people when they want me to ‘stop dancing so aggressively’ or ‘stop talking to [their] girlfriends?’ That I’m just a fuckin’ privileged dickhead who’s never faced any sort of consequences for my actions? Please.”
Other members of the Greek community continue to fight for relevance under the guise of donations raised, something apparently only done by Greeks and no other group on campus. “Listen we raised like a million dollars by tabling last year. That all went to like, charity,” said Quinn Myers, a sophomore at KU. “So I’m pretty sure that’s enough money to make up for all the times I puked all over some girls’ shoes at The Hawk.”
Thompson did express hope of a future for KU students: “If any Greeks out there want to join a group of drunk assholes, there’s The Black Sheep I guess.”
For now, former fraternity members will have to look within next time they’re questioned about trashing a party bus or snorting a Y-bomb so everyone stops yelling their name.
It won’t be an easy transition for all the Chads, Brads, and Chads, who’ll now have to explain their drunken debaucheries with something other than “we’re jus bros bein’ bros”, but it sure will take some pressure off the real Greeks in town.
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