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KU ‘Pretty Sure’ BEak Healthy Handouts are Responsible for 90% of Freshmen’s Sex Education


In a recent study to determine the knowledge of sex education among rich white students, KU found that a vast majority of student knowledge in sex consists almost entirely of BEak Healthy handouts, and the back of those free condoms that sit out in the sun for hours.

Graduate research assistant Michelle Andrews gave her insight on the matter.

“After many hours of research, our study is almost positive of the tremendous effect a single brochure found on the floor of Wescoe can have,” stated Andrews. “These kids flyering on Wescoe Beach may very well be the only thing standing between us and a total STI explosion, given that none of these new students seem to know what sex is.”

Freshmen of the university also commented on their apparent lack of sexual education.

“I was shocked,” said freshman Bradley Sims, who is from Texas. “Who could’ve guessed there were more ways to protect yourself from the Devil’s itch than just prayin’!” He said with a tip of his cowboy hat. When asked about any further knowledge on the female reproductive system, Sims only said, “that’s where the babies get made, right?”

We were able to speak with the BEak Healthy volunteers themselves in the midst of their tireless crusade against campus STIs.

“We’re proud to hear about the effect our pestering of passing students has done for this campus,” stated volunteer Scott McAllister after tackling a random passerby who was unable to hear McAllister’s pleas for a healthier campus due to his headphones. “We plan to continue our work and ensure students learn about how they can live a healthier lifestyle. And who knows, maybe one of them might actually get laid.”

Keep an eye out for any BEak Healthy tables on campus this coming semester and hopefully an actual sex education that high school may have denied you.

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