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The Top 10 Eateries to Eat at while Blitzed in Lawrence

“Breakfast while shitfaced is always a good idea.” –Maya Angelou


10.) Quick Trip:

Advantages: Taquitos, chips, coffee, the QT Kitchen. This place has everything you could ever want when you’re drunk.

Disadvantages: You have to drive to get there, unless you live nearby. And you can’t actually sit down and eat there unless you want people to think you’re nuts.

Bathroom: A single-person restroom with a lock. No one will hear you vomiting.


9.) Steak n’ Shake:

Advantages: Fries, fries, fries, fries.

Disadvantages: It’s completely out of the way of the bars (nearly five miles). So unless you can afford an Uber after blowing a bunch of money on Moosebowls, Steak n’ Shake is not in your future.

Restrooms: Grody. Think “2007 Britney meets abandoned crack house.”


8.) Sonic:

Advantages: This place is a deep-fried paradise. If you’re half passed-out in the back seat of a car, your friends don’t even have to drag you anywhere! Just mumble your order into the speaker and cry about your ex when you’re finished.

Disadvantage: You need a DD to go.

Restrooms: The homeless man, now owner of the restroom refused to let me enter.


7.) Burger Stand at the Casbah:

Advantages: Duck fat fries, truffle fries, fries, more fries, and amazing burgers. Alcoholic milkshakes. A menu so extensive that you can finish three beers by the time you’re done reading it.

Disadvantages: Stairs. This place is riddled with stairs. Don’t. Fall. Cindy.

Restrooms: There are two. TWO! And both are private!


6.) IHOP:

Advantages: “Breakfast while you’re shitfaced is always a good idea.” –Maya Angelou

Disadvantages: It’s five miles away from Mass, which in drunk miles is about from here to Toronto.

Bathrooms: Like the restaurant, nicer than McDonald’s, but not quite Denny’s.


5.) Jimmy Johns:

Advantages: Sandwiches are easy to hold.

Disadvantages: MAJOR choking hazard. Jimmy Johns’ bread is notoriously tough. Try not mistaking your wallet for a sandwich.

Bathrooms: So clean that you almost feel bad for regurgitating your Ultimate Porker all over the walls. But you’re drunk, so do you honestly give a shit?


4.) Panera:

Advantages: As you’ve learned, bread absorbs alcohol. This place is the land of the bread. Eat up, then go drink more.

Disadvantages: Being plastered in a Panera is like being naked at a child’s birthday party. You will stand out.

Bathrooms: The Porsche (pronounce “poor-shuh”) of shitters.


3.) Fat Freddy’s:

Advantages: Tater tots on pizza. No explanation needed. This is all.

Disadvantages: If you prefer to drink between the hours of 3a.m. and 3p.m., you’re out of luck. This place will be closed.

Bathrooms: Never to be seen. Never go there sober.


2.) Pizza Shuttle:

Advantages: If you order one large pizza for deliver, it’s fourteen bucks. If you order two large pizzas for delivery, it’s only sixteen bucks. How does that work out? Don’t fucking question it. Just order. There’s also a catchy jingle you can wail out while you’re vomiting up your Long Island iced teas.

Disadvantages: It’s pizza. There’s no such thing as a disadvantage.

Restrooms: There’s only one. It’s scary. But forgivable due to pizza.


1.) Fuzzy’s Taco Shop:

Advantages: More alcohol. Chips, queso, and tacos. You and your friends can eat like a goddamned pack of piranhas. I’m pretty sure that’s why the logo is a piranhas. But if you want to make your own tacos, here’s a solid slow-cooker recipe from 

Disadvantages: It’s always super busy. It’s the drunkest, most happenin’ spot in town!

Restrooms: Everyone can here you vomiting, but that’s okay, because you’re at Fuzzy’s.

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