KU is one conference title away from the all-time NCAA record, and this may prove to be the most trying year to procure the throne. If that isn’t frightening enough, this happens to be more of a rebuilding year for our boys. You may ask, “What is it they’re having to rebuild, exactly?” We can tell you: they are recovering from the devastating loss of Tyler Self, our knight in blisteringly radiant armor. And right now we need him more than ever.
The team’s main problem as of right now is that they lack depth. With only six or seven key players, foul trouble and exhaustion are currently critical ass-clappers for the Jayhawks. Some quick maths, however, will tell you that the solution is a seventh or eighth key player. And it’s no question as to why Tyler Self is that player.
First of all, Tyler had four full years of experience carefully studying KU basketball from the bench, where Papa Bill would every so often briefly approach him and either give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder or scratch him behind his left ear, right where he likes it. There’s no better way to gain an unrivaled understanding of KU basketball than the way Tyler did, sitting among the other players and feeling their sweat soak into his overshirt whenever he would high five them on their way to sub in. We’re willing to bet often times the sweat would get into his mouth, too.
If we got Tyler back, he would be the only player on the team with five years of collegiate experience, which, if nothing else, would make a neat statistic for the announcers to point out during a timeout.
Secondly, the man is a total alpha male. A student at KU by the name of Ryan gave a testimony in which he recalled encountering Tyler himself at a local restaurant. Ryan explained how Tyler had reserved three tables on a date for two, the middle of which was used for him and his date to sit, while the other tables were used to hold their trash and personal belongings.
This proves Tyler Self to be a man who knows how to declare his turf like a true pack leader. If he can claim three whole tables at some random cafe to himself, he can certainly make the paint his domain if he feels so inclined. We need a player like Tyler, who has the ability to cognitively manage three whole tables at once to lead us to victory.
Lastly, we know that Tyler wants us back. Not only does he have family to come back to, but there are new players on the bench that he could befriend and tweet back and forth with to look cool. Also, if you’ve been keeping up with the news, you know that about six months back Tyler signed for a managerial position with the San Antonio Spurs. He’s playing hard to get, but he isn’t fooling anyone.
If we want a sure bet at triumph this season, Tyler Self—our sword, our shield, our rock—is the man we need to achieve it.
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