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‘Wait, It Could Have Been a Dog This Whole Time?,’ Said Every Kansas Voter Ever

When a long-haired Vizsla entered the race for Kansas’ newly vacant governor seat, well, no one was actually really surprised. After what happened in the 2016 election, it could be wagered that animals and inanimate objects holding positions of power won’t have anyone clutching at their pearls for some time now.

“After two terms of Sam Brownback, all I could think was, ‘huh, a dog was an option at one point?'” said Kansas citizen, Aaron Porter. “For the entirety of the last seven-year road, the alternative all along could have been to just throw someone’s dog into the ballot?”

The hound in question, a Hutchinson native, operating under the name of Angus P. Woolley, caught lawmakers off guard as there are actually zero requirements to meet in order to be able to be elected governor in the state of Kansas, because of course there aren’t.

“Legislation is actually being pushed to specifically prevent dogs and minors from running for the governor’s seat, accurately capturing where our priorities as a state lie, said one Kansas politician after laughing and getting very sweaty. “We gotta cut this good boy’s campaign off.”

It is understandable that many Kansans feel a tad cheated at this point. A dog governor would be a worthy cause for two main reasons: one, it would not be Sam “Properly-Funded Public School Systems are for Booty Eaters” Brownback, the harbinger of the Kansas conservative utopia, and two, it would be a dog. 

“I know this is pretty out there, but I would gladly back an earthworm candidate, if he/she’s got the moxie for it,” said KU senior Amanda Potts. “Who knows, perhaps even a salmon. Anything is on the table in a post-Brownback Kansas.”

Against Kansas’ better judgement as a state, a dog will not be permitted to run for governor. But the state will not take this as a reason to stop fighting. We’ll get a dog in that office someday, damnit.

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