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Why We Need More Marching Band Dicks: A Jayhawk’s Perspective

Reports from Kansas State indicate that their marching band was attempting to display the Starship Enterprise, but c’mon:



That’s as much of a starship as the Death Star is a moon, or as we say in Lawrence: “Rock Chalk Jayhawk, that’s definitely a cock.” Now you might think to yourselves, “Wow, that behavior by the marching band is incredibly offensive. How are students at the University of Kansas reacting to this?”


Well, we absolutely love it. Without fail, every single other student we’ve asked about the incident thinks it was a hilarious prank. K-State’s childish enthusiasm to publically embarrass themselves outside of the basketball court is something that is too often lost in the money and politics of collegiate athletics. With a harmless prank like this, the only things getting hurt are our grandparents’ moral sensibilities. There is something so stereotypically “college” about making a 50-yard dick on a football field that it makes one question whether the marching band director looks like this:


John Belushi

Unfortunately for the planners of future hijinks, K-State took swift action, fining the band an outrageous $5,000 and suspending the director for one game. We sincerely hope that the fine money goes into a beer fund for the K-State band, hopefully to produce another majestic halftime show. This negative backlash and punishment by the university is a travesty, because the behavior on display at the halftime show needs to be encouraged. Sure, it may not be appropriate for adult society, but there is a finite amount of years in which to get belligerently drunk, treat sports teams like religion, and apparently make the mascot of your rival school perform depraved acts.


There is a torrent of uproar and moral outrage from people that seem to have forgotten the true college experience. Well, either they forgot, or the years passed in a dull haze of studying, judgmental thoughts, and not participating in football field dicks. Whichever the case may be, we implore the K-State students to not back down from their fascist leaders and to again revitalize the essence of college. My only regret is that we at KU didn’t think of this brilliant action first.


 However, one behavior that both Jayhawks and Wildcats can agree to never do is burn a couch. Only uneducated hillbillies do that.




If you liked this article, be sure to follow us on Twitter! We’ll have a lot more to come over the semester! @BlackSheep_KU

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