With finals swiftly approaching, one event even more major than your calculus exam lies ahead: graduation. Sure if you don’t fall under the senior category, then you probably couldn’t care less. However, the day that many hard working students have dreamed about will be here in less than a month! We understand the excitement these upperclassmen hold, however we at The Black Sheep began to wonder what is going to happen to our beloved campus once the Class of 2016 makes their exit…
10.) The Stuckert Career Center Will be in Ruins:
Students graduating means students searching for jobs. With the career center being there to help get ready for important interviews and resume building, the place will be packed with panicking seniors. When they realize that this place doesn’t actually have job postings, one too many frustrated grads will begin to riot, and we at UK certainly know how to riot!
9.) The Freshmen Will be Released from the Kirwan-Blanding Complex:
Remember rounding up all those little freshmen and forcing them to live in the shittiest dorms against their will (we also refer to this practice as Move-In Day)? Well now that the seniors will be vacating, these little buggers can finally be released from captivity, as well as the continuous streams of freshmen jokes. Be gracious to your overlords, young pupil.
8.) UK Students Will Establish a Purge:
Remember that awesome idea but terrible execution of a movie The Purge? Well if you’re a senior, you better get the hell out of this college town because rumor has it that the rest of the student body is planning to purge the remaining seniors out of Lexington. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
7.) UK Will Break Ground on New Dorms:
This may not that exciting, but hear us out. This new dorm is said to be more appealing in order to attract incoming freshmen to our campus, so it will include private bedroom and bathrooms, slides which take you down to the lobby and land you in a ball pit, as well as mothers you can check out from the front desk for an hour at a time to help you go grocery shopping or make you feel like the special snowflake you really are.
6.) The Towers Will be Converted into Mega Haunted Houses:
UK will soon be in talks with local haunting attraction Fright Nights Kentucky to rent out the abandoned towers during the October haunt season. As if we didn’t find Blanding and Kirwan tower scary enough!
5.) Campus Will Actually Get a Panera:
We don’t know if everyone was as heartbroken as we were to not actually get the first Panera on a college campus like we were promised last year, but it would be no surprise if they came to their senses to help make this campus just a little more amazing now.
4.) Capilouto Gives Out $1,000 Grants to Every Student Next Semester:
Because of course this would happen the year after you graduated from UK.
3.) Aramark Gives Back the Old K-Lair and Ovid’s:
Ever since the contract to privatize dining through Aramark, we lost some of the best dining on campus. Aramark may finally realize their wrong-doings and bring back Ovid’s at Willy T., as well as bringing back the old K-Lair (we want breakfast for dinner, dammit!).
2.) April French Will Retire:
No longer will CHE 111 students suffer her wrath. Perhaps we may see an increase of chemistry students not change their majors after the first year. It certainly wouldn’t be a coincidence.
1.) UK Establishes Holiday to Celebrate Greatest Graduating Class of All Time:
This holiday will include a day off of school and free Panda Express. If you are part of the Class of 2016, this certainly does not need explaining! Congrats to you graduating seniors; you have earned it!