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5 Assholes At LSU That Are Better Than You

You fucking suck. Maybe you hate yourself. It’s okay, you don’t need to kid yourself. At least you aren’t one of these five assholes you see every day on LSU’s campus. They are all equally as horrible a human being as you are, they just haven’t realized it yet.

5.) I hAvE a JuUl:
She’s better than you because she has a titanium rectangle sticking out of her Reggie’s phone wallet. She hasn’t heard one word of the lecture because she’s dreaming erotic dreams of sucking the vaporous life out of it the second she exits the building. She knows that you’re a miserable piece of garbage who, contrarily, has no carcinogenic friends to improve their lot on this God-forsaken planet.

4.) I’m WoRkInG oUt AfTeR tHiS:
It doesn’t matter how skinny or fat or whatever it is that you are, he thinks you’re disgusting. He’s flexing right now and he thinks you don’t notice. You should stop being a gross fatty and be more like him. Buy a shaker bottle. Buy a cross-fit membership even though you pay for the UREC with your tuition. Change your nutritionally inadequate diet to something more like his, consistent of four million grams of protein powder mixed with deep rooted insecurity (the light version, preferably), you fatty.

3.) I hAvE a ReAl JoB:
You, you look ugly. You go to class in a t-shirt. She is either wearing scrubs or something professional if that’s what you call it. She wants you to think she’s performing brain surgery or solving the gas crisis after public speaking. If all you do is go to class, you’re lazy and stupid and will never have a resume like her. In fact, her job is so stressful that she can’t even remotely contribute to the group project. Like, at all. What a hero.

2.) We’Re tHe BeSt PaRt oF tHe FoOtBaLl GaMe LoL:
The only words that come out of his mouth have something to do with him being in the band. You know what instrument he plays. You know the exact latitude and longitude coordinates of where he stands during football games. The best part is, you didn’t even ask. Any member of the Tiger Band knows that they were hand crafted by the gods, and they make sure to pass on that information to anyone in a 10 mile diameter. Nay, radius. Y’all ‘ight though, keep giving us neck.

1.) I wEnT oUt LaSt NiGhT:
She smells so bad. Her face looks like it got stepped on by a dirty cleat. She made it to class even though she has FRIENDS and a SOCIAL life, unlike you. You’re a weenie. You got an adequate amount of sleep last night while she was at frinks, and after frinks, and at that uncomfortable moment when the lights came on and the workers had to force her to leave because she couldn’t comprehend what the change in lighting could possibly mean. AND her fake worked last night so you can double suck it.

Don’t let yourself be victimized by these people. Seek their guidance. Maybe one day you can have a self-esteem like theirs (or any self-esteem at all). And if you are one of these people…You’re doing great. Keep it up.




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