Seems like just yesterday you were getting fuckin’ sloshed at frinks, then you blinked and now you have to figure out what the hell a 401k is. No, no this just won’t do, at least not yet. So, how are you to explain that you really need another year at LSU to your parents? Luckily for you, The Black Sheep has garnered a few ideas so your lazy ass doesn’t have to.
5.) You’re taking not one, but MULTIPLE victory laps:
You’re a Pre-Med Junior, but tell them that you’ve newly discovered that you gag at the sight of paper cuts. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of other fish in the sea, just not that MD. Hit em with a simple, “I’m broadening my horizons, the sky’s the limit!” You honestly are going to need more than a year if you do this, but you’ll be fine. (lmao, probs not)
4.) Football games tho:
Start off with something along the lines of, “My drunk ass has yet to sit through an entire LSU football game.” You bought the tickets, you went a few times, but was out of there before 2nd Quarter. Not like there was anything to watch this year, but still better than being at a 9 to 5 job.
3.) JL’s streak:
Your unwavering loyalty to JL’s is inspiring. Four tests in one week, two on Wednesday? Pshh, you’re still getting plastered Tuesday night. Send your parents a video of you funneling wine and text them, “Y’all didn’t raise no bitch.” Loyalty is highly upheld in the real world. Your parents will definitely admire this steadfast characteristic that you have developed. Why stop now and disappoint them?
2.) Adderall money:
No internship can match the business experience you have gained from marketing your prized goodies. Although, your GPA is subpar due to your lack of self medication, your cash flow return on sales is increasing exponentially. You’ve learned to utilize external environmental factors at LSU by parking yourself in Middleton during Midterm/Finals to boost the GDP of your private enterprise. Daddy and his golf buddies would be proud.
1.) You need more time during finals to pet dogs:
Stress is the leading cause of death in the U.S. (or at least that’s what it feels like during finals) so you took the initiative to not become a statistic. Explain to your parents the money they have saved in not having to get you a shrink is all thanks to the fur balls in Mid. They’ll undoubtedly let you stay another year.
If all else fails, release the gates of Niagara Falls on your parents. A little whimper over the phone isn’t going to sell. We’re talking about full on tears from Noah’s Ark, phone Dr. Phil type of shit. The real world is scary; don’t learn how to change a tire just yet and go take a frat lap, champ.