While we are all very excited about LSU’s new head coach, Ed Orgeron, we have neglected to remember the best candidate for the job: Danny DeVito. Although he has virtually no knowledge of football and has probably never even been to Louisiana, Danny DeVito deserves this position more than anyone else. The Black Sheep is here to tell you why:
5.) He’s 4’10:
Unlike Coach O, Danny DeVito could scurry in and out of the huddle, not disrupting players during their talks. There is no way Coach O would ever be able to pull off such a feat. For this reason, Danny should be on the sidelines cheering on our Tigers.
4.) Even Louder than Coach O:
While Coach O’s voice is abrupt enough to pierce the ears of everyone in Tiger Stadium, Danny DeVito’s voice is loud enough to actually break the sound barrier. This way, we can be 100% sure that everyone in East Baton Rouge Parish can hear the plays being called.
3.) His Role in Matilda:
Yes, Coach O may have led multiple SEC teams to bowl victories, but could that match up against the excellent acting job by Danny DeVito in Matilda? Not by a long shot. We NEED someone with this kind of acting background to give the most theatrical pep talks in the locker room.
2.) Once Received a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes:
Can Coach O honestly say he will ever do something so challenging? Doubt it. Any man who receives a Rotten Tomatoes rating higher than Star Wars deserves to rule the world. This, however, is highly unlikely. Therefore Danny DeVito will settle for Head Coach of LSU football.
1.) He’s Danny Goddammned DeVito:
Does this really need to be explained? We all owe this man our lives for giving the best acting performances of both the 20th and 21st centuries.
We hope that Coach O will lead LSU football to many more victories and hopefully bigger bowl games than this year. If he doesn’t, we will always have an outstanding backup coach. Until then, Geaux Coeauxch Eaux.
If you’re saying you’ve never experienced DADs, well, you’re lying: