Let’s all take a moment and remember our peaceful prince–the furriest, most ferocious, and undoubtedly most delightful tiger in the land: Mike VI. His diagnosis wasn’t fair. His passing wasn’t fair. The whole situation is just another reason why the year 2016 will be omitted from all future textbooks. We at The Black Sheep are in utter denial, and aren’t handling this news healthily AT ALL. So we compiled a list of six stupid ass things that should’ve passed on way before our perfect mascot did.
6.) Tiger Stadium’s New Clear Bag Policy:
This newly implemented enforcement of clear bags inside the stadium is like something straight out of a horror film. What’s next? Will we be required to wear clear tops, bras, and jorts so security can’t find the liquor hidden in our underwire and the seam of our ballsacks? Foolishness. Let’s put it to rest.
5.) The Lingering Smell in Lockett Hall:
We’re about 99.9% sure some TA got stoned and left a bowl of week-old Tupperwared soup somewhere in Lockett. Anyone willing to find it and document its disposal gets a drink on us. Seriously, tweet or snapchat the funk @BlackSheep_LSU and you’ll be compensated uno cerveza. That shit’s gotta geaux.
4.) The Plus/Minus System:
Sometime last year, one school board member thought, “How can we suck even more life out of these piss-poor maggots that’ll end up broke and working in a strip mall anyway? Ah-ha! Elementary school grading.” Yeah, yeah, we get it. We’re supposed to be more “motivated” (whatever tf that means) to strive for higher achievements in our classes. Let’s be honest for a sec: we at The Black Sheep have yet to meet one, not ONE, kid enthused about this new grading system. No one gives a shit if the C is a plus or a minus. We just wanna pass the mf’ing class. For the record though: Mike, well, that kitty was an A++. He didn’t deserve this.
3.) The Comeback of the Choker:
This one’s got us angry. Real angry. They come in plastic. They come in felt. They come in shiny satin, rusty chains, and barbed wire fences…where does it fucking end? Every Saturday tailgate feels like a time warp back into a 90’s music video or Melissa Joan Hart flop film. Ladies, stop the madness. Mike would not approve of these necklace choices.
2.) Everyone Planning to be Harley Quinn for Halloween:
Where’s the damn creativity, ya millennials?!
1.) The Monstrosity That is This Year’s Election:
If we took a vote on campus (or in the entire nation, for that matter), on what the best part of the 2016 Presidential Election is, the answer would be unanimous: the memes. The glory of the internet is shining brighter than Mike VI and Harambe’s golden feathered wings in heaven right now. Because the memes and the damn paradoxical singing videos are the only thing of value that’s being birthed out of this election. Maybe that’s why Mike left us. You smart, lucky bastard.
They say the best way to work through your grief is to write things down. Okay, we made that up. It just seems as if our world wouldn’t have suffered the loss of any of these six shitty things. Mike, you’re gone too soon. We miss ya man, but we’re happy you’re out of pain. Say hi to Tupac for us.
Why are sorority girls so addicted to Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Let’s have a look: