Returning to the visible humidity of Baton Rouge doesn’t compare to the pubescent paw point mines who don’t know their Lockett from Middleton. The obvious thing to do is to of course give them a warm welcome to the Swamp and greet them with all the layers of your ogre-aggressive attitude toward school starting again.
5.) “GET OUT MY SWAMP”– Shrek:
For when the confused freshman in her Alpha Beta Gamma tank top asks you if she is in Lockett and the two of you are in the middle of PFT. Tell her to finish her Panera and get tf out of your land.
4.) “I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.”– Donkey:
It’s your pledge brother’s first night out in Tigerland and being the responsible older brother, you order him an Uber at the end of the night. You ask him where he lives and he replies, “Herget.” It takes everything inside of you to not vomit typing it in as the destination.
3.) “Hey, that is unwanted physical contact”– Donkey:
This is Baton Rouge, humidity is visible to the naked eye, if they’re rubbed up against you on the Gold Bus, kick their prepubescent asses off.
2.) “I’ve tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end!”– Lord Farquad:
This is southern Louisiana, crosswalk lights are nothing but a suggestion. When a crowd of motionless freshmen is in the front, light their asses up and plow through them and the red light.
1.) “Technically, you’re not a king”– Magic Mirror:
He’ll probably take offense to this, given that his mom has never told him otherwise. He walks around with dip, a JUUL, and he has his frat letters in his bio on Instagram. He’s nothing but a dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden.
You’re no monster here, but don’t let the new fairy tale trash poison your perfect world.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.