As most of us have already heard from our Facebook and Twitter newsfeeds (because no one under the age of 25 watches the effin’ news), The Louisiana Office of Student Financial Assistance announced Thursday afternoon that all TOPS payments are being suspended while our state continues to face one of the most extreme budget cuts of our decade. So wtf does that mean for LSU students receiving the TOPS award? Well, it’s simple: you’re screwed. All of that hard work you put into those meaningless classes to keep up your brag-worthy GPA is now being crapped on harder than Von Miller shat on the Panthers’ offense this past Sunday night. Oh but don’t fret—The Black Sheep is here with some ideas on how you can still pay your tuition, and thus continue to maintain the status as the least-disappointing child to your parents.
5.) Rub a Magic Lamp:
You better hope that Robin Williams rises from the dead to grant your broke ass three wishes (too soon?). In which case you could just pay for everyone’s tuition. No wait, this isn’t socialist Norway. Pay for your own school like a damn fine, true American. But who are we kidding? You’ll probably just get a sweat-soaked Governor Jon Bel Edwards genie-hologram that starts laughing in your face in between bites of his grapes (which are probably being fed to him by Senator Landrieu’s handcuffed offspring).
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4.) Speaking of Alcoholics, Planning to Go Out this Weekend? Forget the Juice, Nerd:
You’re gonna be sippin’ on some fiiiiine H2O. And we ain’t talking Dasani bottles either. It’s all tap for you from here on out. Every dime you save is going straight to that dirty jar in the corner of your bedroom with a post-it note labeled “TUITION.” Sucks being an adult, right? Just wait until you graduate and you can’t find a job. Then your jar will be labeled “FML.” Circle of life, baby.
3.) Sell your MacBook Pro and Do Your Research Old-school Style:
One word: encyclopedias. Don’t know what that means? Google it. Oh wait, you sold your laptop. Shit. Thanks, Obama.
2.) Get a Part-time Job and Postpone Your Graduation Date to May of 2050:
It’s totally doable! Think about it: minimum wage in Louisiana is $7.25 an hour. You could work 20 hours a week, earning roughly $130/week after taxes (accounting majors and A-holes: stop checking the math here). If a semester’s cost of tuition for an undergrad is $4,861, then it’ll only take 37 weeks to pay for 15 weeks of school…IF YOU STARVE YOUR MOTHER EFFIN’ SELF. Uhhh, yeah, this might take a while. Year 2050 sounds about right. Ouch.
1.) Start a GoFundMe Account & Kiss Your Cares Goodbye:
So the lamp didn’t work. You’ve learned that you’re an alcoholic. Nobody wants your porn-infested laptop. And you’re in too much of a hurry to graduate before 2050. Well, Tiger, you’ve got one last option: embrace the liberal that lives deep, deep down, and ask complete strangers to donate their hard-earned, shift-workin’, never-sat-in-a-classroom-a-day-of-their-life, money to pay for your completely worthless undergraduate degree. Boom. Problem solved.
Just kidding. Have your voice heard by joining Tiger Advocates here.
Visit http://www.lsu.edu/budget/ for more budget details.
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