The cops are coming. You have mere minutes to do something. Now if you actually meant to kill your roommate, you should be rotting your life away in hell. However for several reasons unknown, they just appeared to die out of thin air. And you’re left there with no alibi and looking guilty as hell. You might want to do something about it before you spend the rest of your life in prison for a crime that you didn’t commit. The lawyers would probably take all your money away and perhaps run down your sentence to a few decades and good luck getting a boyfriend/girlfriend and a job after you are out with gray hair. You must do something! Where are you gonna hide this body?
7.) The University Lakes:
Drop what is left of your roommate into the Lakes. Tie their textbooks to the body, they were never going to use them anyways, and drop em’ in Dexter style. This will ensure they sink to the bottom faster than the number of people who dropped out of engineering.
6.) Kirby Smith 14th Floor:
If you went to a good elementary school, you would notice that this is actually the 13th floor. Pretend it’s Halloween and dress them up as Frankenstein. It should be less expensive than all the food your roommate stole from you anyways. Just put them on the floor away from the elevators. Nobody will know and those who attempt to get close will have the scare of their lives. It’s Halloween every day for you!
Disclaimer: Frankenstein has actually been spotted on this floor several times in the recent past.
5.) To Alabama:
Wrap them up in Crimson Tide Colors and drop them off in Tuscaloosa in the early morning hours. It’s not your problem now. This is also the cheapest alternative thanks to the low gas prices.
4.) Drunk Disguise:
Every Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night, drive to Tigerland. Enjoy the night out! When you have realized that you have had too much, take your dead roommate out of your car and walk them home with you. If your roommate was a pretty girl, just ask one of the creepy dudes to take her home. If that’s not the case, keep on walking back to their room. At least there is proof on those surveillance cameras that are all over LSU that they are alive. Nobody will bug you for the rest of the semester and you have burned off all the calories from drinking. The only downside is the smell.
3.) The MAFIA:
Wrap them up in bubble wrap. Put tons of Febreze and newspapers all over them. Drive to the nearest FedEx store and ship them off to Moldova. It’s a small country with 3/4 the population of Louisiana located in Eastern Europe. Just find some shady place there from Google Maps preferably double checking with street view. Ship them there! Very soon, you will get something in the mail. Probably a thank you letter with good cash from one of their mafia’s thanking you for your service and their recommendation to put the next person you send to them in a giant ice pack next time. Moldova is one of the leaders in organ trafficking, after all.
2.) The Sinaloa Business:
Put them in a coffin and send them to Sinaloa (El Chapo’s backyard). Coffins don’t really go through a full custom’s scan anyways. Soon, the coffin will return with a letter that would say, “25% yours and 75% ours”. They don’t mean your roommate’s dead body. The coffin contains drugs now as you have proved to them that you are committed to the cartel. They want you to sell their stuff from your dorm knowing the full potential of illegal narcotics in Baton Rouge. Make sure you do give them their 75% share or you will be the one in the coffin next. If you do venture in this business, we recommend you hire a good fund manager to take care of your 25% share so you don’t end up getting wrapped up in the Panama Papers like many other unfortunate folks out there. Congratulations, you are a millionaire and a thriving entrepreneur now!
1.) Mike the Tiger:
At night, throw your roommate into his enclosure after disguising them as a Russian doll, well hidden from sight. Let Mike decide what to do with them. Mike would probably just play with them unless they ate food from the 5 in which case Mike would stay away. In times like this when our pet needs toys to play with, you would save the University millions of dollars. You are a hero in the back of your head knowing full well how much your contribution would mean to the future of Louisiana.
So there you have it. You can hide them, scare people with them, have fun with them, make money off of them from thousands to few millions or become a state hero that nobody would know about.